The Connor Chronicles Volume XCIX

Well, it’s time for my annual running diary of the Grammy Awards.  I have to tell you I usually look forward to this night, but for some reason I’m not really geared up for this years.  I mean, sure there is some interest to see how Springsteen comes out against the young guns.  But outside of that im not that thrilled.  I figure Umrbrella will win best record.  Whinehouse will win best new artist.   And after that blah blah blah.

As for the show itself, there isn’t a single performance that im looking forward to, but granted im not aware of the complete schedule…..so maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised.  But really, other than the potential of Whinehouse ODing on TV or Kanye West being a blatant jackass again, im not expecting much.

So without further adoooooooooo, onto the running diarly:

7:48     Fireplace is on cause its cold outside.  First beer is poured and im torn between spending the next 12 minutes watching 60 minutes talk about the need for pennies or American Gladiators.  I’m going with the pennies just so I can see Andy Roony’s eyebrows.

7:51     First Grammy promo…..ok, so a few people worth seeing…foo fighters, Alicia keys, beyonce…a bunch.  But they also tagged “The Sensational Kanye West”  arghhh!

7:55     Just finished 4 minutes of Andy Rooney at the Super Bowl.  Lets just say things can only go up from here…..i may have to pick up the drinking pace!

8:00     Hey video of Sinatra to open the show………and they have him dubbed in singing with Alicia Keys.  And I may be crazy, but I even think super imposed Sinatra is checking her out!   And over her shoulder is the orchestra with a 12 yr old kid who combed his hair with a fire cracker playing sax!

8:04     Alicias tits are trying to escape……round em up boys!

8:05     Carrie Underwood basically with what could be the cast of STOMP behind her doing Before He Cheats…..and she looks like  a Dominatrix from the 70’s….what can I say, I had a tough time in Grammer School!  Is she wearing one of those rings that is a candy?  However, she too can sing!  Sony artist by the way.

8:09     Prince is a presenter for best female R&B performance and there are 5 woman up for the award….im thinking he bangs 3 or more of them before the show is over!  And Alicia Keys wins…..and Prince quickly checks out the escaping tits….hell, he might nail her before they get off stage!

8:11     We have our first Thanks to God…..yep, God cared about your record, but nobody elses.  I should try to keep a running total of shout outs to god, or take a drink for each one….hmmmm….new game!  Do they due that at colleges tonight?  They should!

8:17     Wow…..a reunion of The Time……..wow….great song….Jungle Love….oh e oh e oh!  Alright, excuse me as I bump this up in the Eternal Sounds rotation!  And Rihanna jumps in to do a jumped up version of Umbrella!    Wow…who the hell dressed her…Bjork?

8:20     Inexcusable, Jungle Love isn’t even in my software….off to iTunes!  Gotta love writing a diary on a connected laptop.  As Rihanna runs through 30 second snippets of every hit she has.  Well done….other than the outfit! 

8:22     The Time successfully downloaded……I feel better know.  As Rihanna & The Time cut it up!  Ok, so far im impressed.

8:23     Tom Hanks ears are huge!  The Band are Grammy lifetime achievement award recipients…….ummm….seriously?  What, did we skip over Quit Riot?

8:25     Tribute to The Beatles Seargant Peppers…….ok, after The Band….you needed something to strike it up.  Cirque da sole for the tribute which makes sense cause Sgt Peppers was pretty out there!

8:31     Hey, Let It Be is a gospel song now….i didn’t get the memo.  Right now im hoping for that Mark David Chapman guy to put a bullet in my head….at this point he did John Lennon a favor!

8:34     Cyndi Lauper and that Hannah montanna chick……montanna basically just called Cyndi old.  Best New Artist coming out…..the winner is…..Amy Whinehouse….sho is too stoned to attend…..and apparently Cyndi is too stoned to accept for her as well.  That was a bit awkward

8:37     And Jason batemen just blabbered for like 3 or 4 minutes and I have no idea what the hell he was blabbering about….man this is bad!  Three people trying to win a contest and I vote for…..none of them….this was just the biggest waste of time…..who do I sue…bateman cant read……this is just sad.

8:42     Eli just joined me in the basement…..apparantly watching jen sleep got to boring for her.  Only my wife can come back from a Spa weekend exhausted….amazing.

8:45     And we are back & its Kanye West…..this song is great….but lets see if he says something that annoys the crap out of me!   Great outfit if he’s working in Subway Tunnels!!  Now compare his song about his mother to Eminems……polar opposites!  Ok Kanye gets thumbs up……even though I hate admitting it!

8:52     Fergie and john legend…….the lineup is waaaay better than I thought.  Thank god she finally realized what all kids know……vegetables stink and she ditched the peas!

9:03     What is Cher wearing…..seroiusly?  Beyonce…..wow…what legs……somewhere Rich Donohue is very happy right now!  Tina Turner doing her best Tin Man impression!.....she has had so many facelifts she cant open her mouth to sing!   Her cheek bones look like she just went 12 rounds with Ike!  Oh man…..if she were a dog they would put her down!  Is she impersonating James Cagney?  Are those 3 men dressed as women behind her?  Oh man if Whinehouse does die on stage that would be less of a train wreck than this!

9:08     Beyonce is back…thank god!  And they are doing what is apparently Not So Proud Mary!  I hope this ends soon……doesn’t Tina have to get her outfit back to NASA?

9:13     Andy Williams is still alive?  I had no idea….and apparently neither did Andy!

9:14     Song of the year….a song writers award……goes to……Amy Whinehouse…who is cleaning up…..well not cleaned up……well, you know what I mean!

9:21     My Grammy moment winner….blah blah blah.  Foo Fighters backed by an orchestra led by John Paul Jones of zeppelin…….so much for that comeback tour.

9:30     I just realized that thanks to the Writers Strike we haven’t been getting crushed with CBS ads for the 17 versions of CSI…..im ok with that!

9:31     I swear to god they just showed a CSI and other shows ad….arghhh!

9:33     George Lopez……seriously has he EVER been funny?

9:34     Our token country performance for the night….Brad Paisly….singing about either a shotgun, a pickup or a girl…..or banging a girl in the back of a pickup….who knows or cares!

9:37     Chris Brown pulled out of a game of 3 on 3 to present best rap album…..and the convict is….i mean the winner is Kanye West…..lets see how he ruins my night during this speech……kanye giving props to others……and he gets them to stop the music to say a word about his mom.  He really does think hes the biggest thing in music….his 15 minutes might be up soon.

9:43     Aretha Franklin takes the stage as I receive an eMail from my brother Charlie that reads “Aretha Franklin, Ringo, Cher, Tina Turner, Sinatra, Cyndi Lauper,  John Fogerty…..what the hell year is this?”

9:45     It’s sunrise already?  Oh no that’s just Aretha in a yellow dress…..she’s huge!

9:47     The gospel tribute reminds me why I don’t go to church!  Oh god….i might as well just pop in the Sister Act DVD.  I think Aretha ate Whoopie!

9:51     After 8 minutes, proof that there is in fact a God as this mercifully comes to an end!
9:57     Feist takes the stage singing the song from the iPod commercial…1.2.3.4…..and I think im a little scared of her if I must be honest.

9:59     Yep, im scared of her.

10:00   Kylie Smith who won one of the first grammys ever has been paired up with Kid Rock……and this show has fallen apart faster than the Mets 2007 season!  Kid Rock is trying to read the lyrics he is supposed to be singing….oh man a little prep would have helped.

10:01   Just checked the scoreboard……Prince has bagged 2 of the girls already which is disappointing as he had one done 10 minutes into the show!  However, I see a trycle in his future that will put him over the top.

10:03   Best Rock album…….does a new guy get it or one of the old guys like Fogerty or springsteen……and the winner is………….Kyli is a mes…..oh boy……Foo Fighters win…..this should be interesting….Klyie doesn’t realize she is supposed to step away now….oh my god…..kylie….LEAVE!

10:05   They go to commercial for the 723rd time this evening and they again push the Whinehouse performance as the one we’ve all been waiting for….and here is the problem.  She is performing live via satellite from London…..because she didn’t get her visa approved until like yesterday….legal problems and all.  But here’s the thing.  This is a girl who basically wants to OD……..and with the time difference she will be taking the stage somewhere around 4am in London……this has the potential to be LEGENDARY!

10:11   Our annual visit from Stevie Wonder who is having trouble reading his cue cards for some reason. 

10:12   And we get another dose of Alicia Keys…..kind of like Prince.  Seriously, by far one of the most talented artists in a very long time.

10:15   John Mayer joins her onstage…..the boy can pick it.  However, Alicia is going to have to leave soon as she has to get her ear rings back to Ringling Brothers as their circus is apparently running with just one ring right now!

10:18   Explain to me why two Britts are giving out the best country album?  In any event, the winner of a new pickup with gun rack is………..Vince Gill!  Who points out “I just got an award handed to me by a Beatle”  and follows it up with “have you had that happen to you yet Kanye?”

10:26   Someone named Long Long (which I thought was a Giant Panda) is performing with Herbie Handcock.

10:27   Or in England 3:27am….Amy Winhouse just finished an 8 ball and there isn’t a pool cue in site!

10:32   As the giant panda and the porn star continue I want someone to just once admit that a conductor of an orchestra serves no purpose whatsoever!

10:33   Taylor Swift is slammin hot!  And the best rap song grammy goes to….Rihanna….which makes me happy that its not Kanye….but I see another god speech coming…..and in the biggest upset of the night no mention of God!  Vegas just took a beating!

10:41   And we are in London…..and its Cuba Gooding Jr who is introducing Amy Whinehouse…..and she is standing…that’s a start!  She’s got more ink than a Bic factory!

10:42   She’s still standing, but please tell her to stop dancing!  Or is she shaking?  I honestly don’t know.

10:45   I’m confident that Amy’s next appearance on the grammys will be next year in the montage of artists who died.  Hell, I’m not sure she makes it through the night!

10:47   Natalie Cole and moms ex boyfriend take the stage!  Oh boy Tony is having trouble reading the cue cards…..might have to do with his being 118 years old.

10:48   Grammy for record of the year……….the winner is….Amy Winehouse….wow….she doesn’t realize it….wait she just caught on.  I don’t think we will get a speech….she doesn’t know what to do.  ……oh man ….yeah, …bye Amy, RIP.

10:57   We are back from a record breaking 9 minute commercial break….i could have dropped the kids off at the pool!  And they come out of the commercial break with the speech from the guy who runs the Acadamy…….yikes.  Who worked this out?

11:00   between the commercials and the speech that was a whopping 12 minutes of nothing!   Ahhhh….the dead montage…..check amy…we might be able to add her in right now!

11:03   It’s the blind tenor….i cant remember his name….i just know I inadvertently made fun of him at one of the TJ Martell Dinners……Andrea Boccelli…that’s it!

11:07   And we head back to a commercial break…..lets assume this one is 4 minutes…..bringing us back at 11:11 which would mean we went a solid 23 minutes of nothing………or the equivalent of Tom Haggerty telling one joke!

11:12   And we are back after 24 minutes of nothing…amazing.  And who are we bringing back…..John Fogerty, Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis…who I thought was dead….im almost sure of it….hmmmmm….nope hes alive…..oh man this is painful.  Seriously, who plans out these shows?

11:17   Please make it stop.  I didn’t drink nearly enough to put up with this!

11:19   We go back to commercial and im actually happy about it!  It’s our 93rd reminder that Jericho is back and that Dexter is premiering on CBS.

11:24   Will I Am is singing a montage of Grammy hits……yikes!  This is AWFUL.  Oh man this show turned into a train wreck.

11:26   Usher and our annual visit from Quincy Jones…….to present Album of the Year…..the winner goes to……the porno star…..Herbie Handcock.  If he thanks Tracy Lords I’m gonna die!

11:30   Four minutes in and the porn star still cant open his notes.  Please someone end this thing!

11:31   ok…..its over….and to sum it up, the 50th annual Grammy awards were a lot like a surpise case of food poisoning.  You started out with a meal you really enjoyed…..it was a great 30 minutes followed by a whole night of crap!  See ya next year….maybe!

11:35   as im about to turn off the TV I hear the “The 50th annual Grammys will return in a moment” to which I almost stroke out.  But then I realize they didn’t do the big finale with everyone on stage.

11:38   they come back and roll the credits and speak over the finale which is more cirque de sole doing sgt peppers.  We get none of it………worst grammys I can remember.

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"