The Connor Chronicles Volume LXXXVIII

Ok, so trying something different. At the Kelly residence for the big Mets opener. I think I’ll keep a running diary of the game…..we’ll give it a shot. Who knows….there’s a good chance I’ll be drunk by first pitch and might forget to keep the diary. In any event, before I start to drink & stuff my face (actually im already 1 beer in and about a pound of fresh mozz in) lets set some over/unders for the night:

1. Over/Under 3.5 innings before Joe Morgan mentions his Cincinnati Reds
2. Over/Under 14 minutes after the last out before the Kelly’s throw us out.
3. Over/Under 22 Amstels consumed by Schmeds before last out.
4. Over/Under 3 stolen bases by Jose Reyes
5. Over/Under 5.5 people under 5.5 feet tall at this party……there are already 3 in the room & only 2 couples have arrived!
6. Over/Under 3.5 relievers used by the Mets.
7. Over/Under 5.5 relievers used by the Cards.
8. Over/Under 3.5 times I can comment on Donnas ass & rack before she calls me a pig.

Ok, so we have a good hour plus before first pitch. Be back later. But before I go, so far Schmeds is cooking with beer…..NICE. Rob Maddio gave up on a game of Ms Pacman saying it was too frustrating. Right now Madio, Beth & Jen on the couch…….all sharing one cushion…..no feet hitting the floor!

So it appears Schmeds saw black people for the first time the other day……..maybe FDNY does need more diversity.

Oh, and we just reliazed that Annie & Schmeds have not sent out their wedding thank you’s yet…..more than a year and a half after their wedding…..she now has to add .02 stamps…..great stuff.

See you when the game starts…

7:57: and getting ready for joe morgan & jon miller…….did anyone ever notice how surprised joh miller always sounds? Is someone constantly walking up behind him in the booth and slipping something in his ass or something?

7:58: Peter Gammons on the screen amd Mike H openly routes for him to take the big one right there. Now that would be great TV.

8:05: Just inhaled a sausage & peppers hero….you know, after the bag of chips & 10 lbs of fresh mozz

8:06: We are playing cup baseball…..and Annie pulled out a cup with a giant penis as a handle for the game. Donna just took the cup to the ladies room…..oh boy…this puts an entirely new meaning to Palm Sunday.

8:07: our cast of characters tonight…me & the wife, schmeds & annie, rob & beth, donna & Anthony, mike H & Kristin who will be getting married in 10 days. 4 of them are under 5.5 so that answers that bet. Monica didn’t make it which is a shame because she is the only one who doesn’t think im loud….granted shes hard of hearing, but hey I’ll take what I can get.

8:09: Cards getting the world series trophy……arghhhhhh

8:10: Jon Miller just got the first carrot up the ass.

8:13: And Jose Jose Jose steps in. …..wooo hoooo….baseball baby

8:14: We’ve already had 3 arguments on the rules of cup baseball…..my friends are morons….there’s a reason we don’t play chess.

8:15: Espn has more graphics on the screen than ever before…..the box up top with the game situation. The ticker on the bottom, and a huge 3 line graphic about carpenter…..i think there is a baseball game there somewhere.

8:16: 2 outs 2 bucks in the penis cup with the chants of pesos to the penis…pesos to the penis

8:17: Annie “This is so great that I have a penis mug”……poor schmeds…..poor poor schmeds.

8:17: Inning over…..Mets off to a booming start.

8:20: Tom Glavie takes the mound for his 37th opening day.

8:21: Rob Madio the first to take from the Penis……and he likes it.

8:23: I suggest that if you hit into a triple play you perform oral sex on the penis cup….mikke H wants anal…..ummm…ok

8:23: The Penis givith & the penis taketh away….Doubple play and the maddios are back to even as beth pays the penis

8:28: My turn to hold the penis cup…..ive got david wright…woo hoo. John just asks why the penis cup has no dust on it if its been in the cabinet for years……good point….annie has no answer.

8:30: Mets first hit of the season….mosises alou at age 73…..fat bastard schmeds gets a buck

8:31: Sean Green with a hit…annie gets a buck and in only the 2nd inning we have a foreign substance on the penis cup……its gods glue annie says….i love perverts

8:33: A hard one hopper and Kristen puts a buck in the penis after thoroughly cleaning its pipes.

8:35: Schmeds & Mike are drinking schlits…and eating hot dogs & holding a penis mug….where the hell am i

8:39: Edmonds strikes out looking on a pitch that bounced & madio owes 3 bucks to the penis. We offer him a chance to get one back if he licks the penis.

8:41: tommy Glavine cums through for a buck for beth

8:45: im holding the penis & beltran misses a home run by inches….less inches than im holding!

8:46: Beltran gets hit in the shin & I get a buck from the penis

8:48: double for Delgado…schmeds almost gets to clean the penis…but no……but it should be noted that iguchi fell down………he went back on that ball like he was driving a car to it!

8:51: espn misses a ptch….they have also lost sound several times….did CBS buy them?

8:57: Conversation turns to donnas boy toy from the special olymipcs and rob asks if he was slow….Annie: “Are you slow!?! Hes in the special Olympics” Anthony: “hes an athlete at least”…..oh man…that was priceless

9:07: Annie just tit fucked the penis mug…hoping for a grand slam……ummm….she is waaaayyyy to comfortable with the penis mug.

9:09: Jon miller just sounded shocked as shit about a 2-2 curve ball…..seriously I think they have a penis mug in the booth and joe keeps ramming jon with it.

9:10: Full count…excitement baby……bases juiced…there they go…single up the middle…..2 runs. Mets 4, cards zip.

9:11: single for Kristin & mets up 5 zip.

9:13: Anthony just palmed the penis!

9:21: We are checking in with Tony Lorussa………nice shades jackass.

9:23: Close up with Sean Green on first……looks very worried…..like he hasn’t got all the food out of the house for Passover.

9:34: 5 solid minutes of mike and premature ejaculation jokes…….come on funny feeling! Kristin’s not laughing…I think this is a little to close to home!

9:38: They just cut to Peter Gammons and he looks like hell…..like hes scared to death…..what did LoRussa just offer him a ride home?

9:39: Tiguchi just imitated Mike the dope.

9:43: Joe Morgan just said….”he’s 3 out of 4, that’s almost 4 out of 5”….wow that’s why Joe is here….what insight.

9:41: douple play….double up baby…2 pesos to the penis for beth…..again! Beth likes doubling up with the penis!

9:42: All you can eat pizza place….CiCi’s….i’ll be back…have to google this! They don’t exist in NYC yet…..ummm…anyone want to Invest?

9:45: Moises aloug….great catch…..wow…who would have thunk it!

9:46: Penis is in my hand……oh and its my turn in cup baseball too!

9:48: 2$ for me…….woo ho….5-1 mets

9:49: Great throw by Beltran…..Echstein cut down at the plate….keeps it to 5-1

9:51: Rick Peterson out for the first time…….hugging Glavine…..its so tender.

9:53: Ok, back to back walks…bases loaded…..what are we doing Randolph? Are you asleep at the wheel? That’s supposed to be the other manager!

9:55: Soft liner to Reyes by Yadier the prick to get out of the inning……Glavine should be done for the night….i hope.

10:04: ok…the first edition of The Haggerty Herald just popped into my inbox. Some random notes from the room here:

Mike Haggerty would like to let everyone know that he has no affiliation with this publication.
John Kelly points out that it should be called the Power’s Press as Tom hasn’t been a Haggerty for years!
Group colloboration says the Haggerty Herald Hugs Huge Hemorhoids……yes its sad that we collaborated and came up with that!

10:08: I’m holding the cock cup and have to put in 2 bucks as the cards hit into a double play to end the 7th.

10:13: Voice of the twins herm corneal passed today…..shouldnt morgan & Miller have an inning or 2 of silence????? Please

10:19: Just found out Annie flashed her boobs to a 14yr old in New Orleans……ummmmm….where is the film?....ok off to Youtube…..i better have better luck than I did with CiCi’s pizza buffet…..nope..damn.

10:22: LoDuca hurt…..8 innings in…nicely done…..here we go.

10:23: Anthony gives the mug a tingle for a single and collects a buck.

10:27: ok…bases loaded……its getting serious in here….even the mug is stiff.

10:31: Scott Rolen….great play…….valentin….why is he still on this team…..oh man….wow…unreal. The penis is happy!

10:38: Loduca single…..6-1 Mets

10:39: Kristen to Mike “Honey, when Anne hands me the penis, my money is right there.”……this is fun!

10:44: Bily Wagner on for the bottom of the 9th & Schmeds points out that he looks like he has the penis cup in his mouth!

10:45: It should be noted that whoever is holding the penis (cup that is…..i mention this because I haven’t seen Beth’s hands in a while)…..when the last out is made gets all the money in the cup…should be about 40 bucks or so.

10:46: lead off sinlge…welcome back billy

10:49: ok…first and second with one out…….billy is ready…its clear….but penis cup is getting close…one more base runner & me or jen can win

10:50: Donna loving the penis with 2 outs….me & jen behind her.

10:51: Meeeettttssssss win…..and donna owns the penis….as always!

10:53: Lost 5 bucks between me & jen in cup baseball…..donna is the BIG WEENER…errr winner with 35 plus what she had in her pocket. Ok…I’ll add in random thoughts in the morning.

Well, I woke up this morning and unfortunately it wasn’t a nightmare…..i along with 9 other people shared a penis last night. And the Mets did win. I wish this was some kind of April folls joke.....but no!

When we were leaving we noticed Schmeds & Annie have a metal door…..is that in case he falls into it?

Tom has been talking about the Haggerty Herald (now the Powers Press) for years….especially his Woodside list. He nailed a ton of stuff on it…if you have more, send it to him!

And before I go I share this picture of the Penis Cup Champion ..... miss Donna "My boy toy is special" Joyce!

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"