The Connor Chronicles Volume LXXXVI

Well its grammy night & I figured I would keep a running diary of events as I did last year. Let Bill Simmons sue me if he wants.

7:32: Watching the end of one of the Star Wars flicks….i’m such a loser. Having a last soda before I switch to beer. Just inhaled a few slices of pizza. Jen’s out cold on the couch. She got home from Jenn’s shower a little while ago, she’s not feeling great. Not sure what she drank today, but last night she went from beer to Gin to wine to Captain Morgan to beer. Hmmmm…..could that have anything to do with it? Ok, so the diary will continue as the night goes on.

7:50: First beer is poured. 10 minutes to show time! Hey, did you hear the Police are reuniting to start the show! Jesus freaking Christ could they make a bigger deal out of this? And here’s a question? Why? I mean they reunited like 2 years ago at the Rock & Roll Hall of fame! Seriously, the Grammy’s can’t get anything right. So lets face it the performance everyone is looking for is Justin Timberlake who is performing with a regular person who wins a contest. Here’s the catch….there are 3 finalists to the contest and they are all going to be standing there….the winner wont know until just before they hit the stage….should be fun. Ok, see you in a few.

7:53: Andy Rooney reporting for 60 minutes. Seriously, when he dies can I have his eyebrows to make a toupee?

7:54: Jen & Eli have made their way to the basement. My bitches in da house! Sorry, getting ready for the rap category.

7:55: Here’s a contest….what color are Andy Rooney’s teeth?

8:00: Sting announces “Ladies & Gentleman we are the Police & we’re back!” Word is Snoop headed for the exit!

8:03: Roxanne is over……was ok….im not a big Police fan.

8:04: Jamie Foxx for the first time ever cheering for the Police! And Jamie foxx just stole my joke! What the hell…..according to him Snoop just left.

8:06: Tony Bennet & Stevie Wonder win the first grammy of the night. Sony-BMG has a piece of that. S-BMG up for 109 grammys tonight. High comedy…..Tony Bennet walks up the stairs while Stevie is trying to grab his arm. Just think…..Tony could have been my dad!

8:09: Joan Baiz impersonating the Lotto guy as the Mic covers her mouth. Tonights lotto jackpot stands at……. Inroducing the Dixie Cunts….another Sony-BMG artist.

8:15: Spilled my beer…thank god theres a keg right here. First of what I’m sure will be 15 times the Chevy commercial with all the songs mentiniong Chevy vehicles runs tonight.

8:18: Prince introduces Beyonce……right now Rich Donohue is paying very close attention to a TV somewhere. Did she just win the Kentucky Derby or some other horse race? Whats with the bed of flowers on her head? Are those pine cone earings? Christmas ornaments?

8:20: Jen says of Beyonce “you would think being ugly she would at least be able to sing”…..hahaha bitter women

8:21: Black Eyed Peas are presenting……..talking about Booker T & the MG’s and you know they have no idea who they are. The Black Eyed Peas should pick everyones outfits for these shows. I mean I would have loved to have seen Tony Bennet dressed by these guys!

8:23: Mary J Blige wins the R&B grammy…..somehwere Kathy Gunn is very happy. Wow….Mary J is Jesus’s sister…..she just thanked “her father, god, jesus her savior”

8:26: Mary J finally wraps up her thank you speech despite 2 minutes of music.

8:31: So, 31 minutes in about half of them commercials…….i forgot how much I hate commercials. I never watch them anymore.

8:33: Back after 6 minutes of commercials….geeze.

8:34: Justin Timberlake takes the stage…..playing piano & singing….i forget the name of the song (maybe what goes around), saw him do it on SNL (same night as Dick in a box)…..really good song. Kids got talent…..i hate that I have to admit that. Ok, he’s holding his own camera & wow….he’s fucking frightening that close up!

8:38: Hey, its Pink…….she is dirty…..i LOVE it. Doors getting lifetime honorary award. What? Jim Morrison is dead? No he’s not!

8:40: Great….Mary J just one again. She CANT have anyone else to thank! Oh wait she thanked dad & her brother Jesus this time. She just told us we are who we really are because of who we are is what we are and that makes us who we are or some shit like that….who the fuck knows.

8:41: After 8 riveting minutes we are at another commercial break…..I’m going to go hug my Tivo!

8:46: Hey, after 5 more minutes of commercials we are back and its Stevie wonder…..and good thing he is blind because that’s the only excuse for that jacket!

8:48: Stevie wonder finally finishes the most annoying introduction of an act ever…..John Legend, John Mayer & I forget this chicks name…..stevie wonder distracted me. She’s this years Macy Gray…..say goodbye now. John Legend will be around for a long time. John Mayer will be around as long as his face doesn’t get stuck in one of those fucked up positions…..seriously….whats with that? Right now he looks like Jake Jarmel from Seinfeld trying to perform Hot & Heavy.

8:57: 3 of the worst dressed woman ever on a stage…..couldnt even tell you who they are. They just presented a grammy to Jake Jermel…errr John Mayer….sony strikes again.

8:59: It’s commercial time again…..as they remind you to vote for one of the 3 girls to sing with Justin Timberlake……I cant wait to see the faces on the 2 that don’t get to sing.

9:05: We are back with Shakira & Wyclef Jean taking the stage……and baby let those hips lie! Wow……I’ll be back in a few!

9:08: I think I put a hole in my laptop!

9:09: Bert Bacharach & Seal………..turn and club him Bert! Bert went off of the script…then the control room played the wrong sound clip…….what a professional job they do every year at the grammys! Whose running the board? Tom?

9:11: The Dixie Cunts win song of the year for Not Ready To Make Nice! It is a tremendously well written song…..cant wait for what they say this time……nope, no controversy! Ok…get them off…boring me…..ok move along!

9:13: And yes……its another commercial break! Seriously, is this the super bowl?

9:16: While im waiting for the commercials to end & drinking beer I’m left to wonder why the grammys don’t have a host? Seriously……of all the award shows….why not? It needs a host. …..i’ll volunteer…no pay needed.

9:18: We are back……and its Robyn & Lilly from how I met your mother talking about the Dead who are lifetime achievement honorees……and they introduce Gnarles Barkley ….so CRAZY

9:19: Anyone know why Gnarles & Barkley are dressed like airline pilots? Is it a bad Captain & Teneel? Isnt this some kind of FAA violation? Ok, one of them walked away mid song….the other one almost fell down the stairs. Ok, I have not drank nearly enough to make sense of this. No, seriously, WHAT IS THIS? Wow…that might be the worst 4 minutes in Grammy history & that is saying something!

9:23: Common & Kanye West take the stage. Lets see who George Bush hates now. Ok, best Rap album time. I cant wait…one guy will win, but 20 people will come to the stage….and the winner is…..Ludacris! Lets count the people coming to the stage! Wait, wait, in the biggest upset since Jethro Tull won the first grammy for Heavy Metal, Ludacris takes the stage by himself…no posse! Hahahahaha…he just thanked Oprah & Bill O’Reilly…hahahaha…..im buying the CD tomorrow!

9:27: Hey, a commercial….what a novel idea! And don’t forget to vote for one of these dopes to sing with justin….blah blah blah blah blah.

9:31: Just realized that Rome is being Tivo’d on the other tuner….i’m missing my soft core porn…..thank god for Shakira!

9:33: We are back with Terrance Howard taking the stage to give some honrary award to Maria Callas who was an Opera Singer…..which reminds me of Great Moments In Opera from the Odd Couple! Ok taking the stage now is Jesus’s little sister! Turn it up Kathy Gunn….here comes Mary J!

9:35: She really does have a great voice….but the pure unintentional comedy of the idiots in the pit trying to do the arm swing at 50 miles per hour during a 10mph song is just great! Clearly the performance of the night so far….despite the walking around like she had to take a crap.

9:39: Mandy Moore, Leigh Ann Rymes & Luke Wilson…….leigh ann needs breast implants! Best Country album coming……I see more Dixie cunts in our future…..no wait Rascal Flatts has to be in here no? Wow, not even nominated. The winner is…….Dixie Cunts! Stevie Wonder saw that one coming! Ahahahhaha….one of them fell coming out of the isle…..hahahahahaha. She just did a ha-ha from the Simpsons.

9:42: Another fucking commercial…….seriously what is going on here? I’m drinking like crazy….jen is knitting a blanket for someone. Are we in our 60’s?

9:49: Riba McEntyre introducing Carrie Underwood & Rascall Flatts who I believe are going to do a tribute of the Eagles. This is our first Idol siting of the night. This should be pretty good. Ok, so I was slightly wrong….carrie underwoods tribute is to someone else….some old country singer. Carrie looks pretty damn good. She’s no Shakira, but hey. Average age of the band backing her……75…that’s right, just 10 years older than me & Jen tonight!

9:51: Now its Rascal Flatts doing Hotel California. These guys are getting huge! Wow…really nice job on this song. Shhhhh…..i’m listening to the song! Carrie Underwood joins them to do Desparado! Now into Life in the Fast Lane. Rascal Flatts is pretty tight…im impressed. Im not sure if the singer knows this, but he’s gay.

9:59: Nattalie Cole & Ornett Coleman….who is in his pajamas. I don’t know Ornett, apparently a jazz legend from somewhere in the 1800’s. Panning the crowed & you can tell everyone is mortified by his clothes. And in the background we see Carrie Underwood going back to her seat and the seat filler jumping out! Ok, Ornette tried to announce the nominees for best new artist….Natalie had to help him. Sad…..yes….funny…yes……ok, seat filler get back…Carrie just won….how is she best new artist…isn’t this like year 2 for her! She thanked American Idol….nice touch.

10:02: Hey, heres an idea….lets break for a commercial. Hey shouldn’t Greenday be winning for the 3rd year in a row for American Idiot. We are 2 hours in…..lets recap. 2 Hours, 9 perfomrances, 6 Grammys given out, 10 commercial breaks

10:08: We are back with Samual L Jackson & Christine Ricci whose got some great blow job lips going. People all over the world are trying to focus their TV because of Samual’s shirt. But Dad its Smokey! Smokey Robinson takes the stage! Wow…smokey has had so much plastic surgery he couldn’t close his eyes if he wanted to! They should sell masks of his face next Halloween.

10:11: It’s Lionel Ritchie playing piano & singing Hello………he might want to say Hello to his crack whore daughter once in a while. Jen wants to know how he sings with all those nuts stuffed in his cheeks!

10:13: It’s Chris Brown who is apparently a Face Painter……wow….lots of Seinfeld stuff here tonight. Hey he has 2 minnie me’s. ok….someone tell him to at least sing some of the song please. When they have the Dancies instead of the grammys they should have him back….but not until then.

10:17: Christina Aguilara takes the stage…..she CAN sing. Wow…what a performance.

10:20: Commercial time….piss time….beer time. I’ll be singing about chevy’s for weeks.

10:26: President of the Acadamy giving his awkward speech! Wow…15 yr old violinist & 17 yr old pianist….pretty awesome. Blah blah blah blah blah blah….i’ll drink now.

10:28: Hey, the montage of those who died….always fun…..wow bad year for country singers…they all died. Alright standing ovation for the godfather of soul…you know, the druggy wife beater!

10:33: Commercial time!

10:38: Hey, its Rhianna & David Spade…..wow…rhianna is a master of ebonics! Here comes Ludacris, with Mary J Blige & Earth Wind & Fire. And the grammys having sound problems yet again….lets see we are here to honor the best sounding songs of the year…..hmmmmm….maybe we should have like all our ducks in a row when it comes to sound. It might have something to do with Ludacris not knowing how to hold a mic. And that very well could have been the worst performance of the night.

10:43: It’s James Blunt taking the stage. Singing its beautiful which is up for awards tonight despite being a hit for the last 2 years….we’ll call it the Pearl Jam rule. And more sound problems…..CBS sucks. During football half the games aren’t in HD. Buy a freaking sound system. Now they are showing a previously recorded voting is closed message that isn’t supposed to be there. This is great. It might as well be UPN9 airing this thing…..or Channel 47…lucha libre!

10:47: Let’s take a commercial break. Did you know the new Survivor has just begun? They just reminded us for the 737th time tonight!

10:52: Jennifer Hudson to give out an award. Holy knockers batman. Look at those things. She’s going to announce the winner of the contest…this should be great…….she’s having trouble reading the cue cards. And the winner is Robyn…..get on stage. The other 2 appeared Happy….Robyn, not so much & she won. Here we go. Justin is singing and she aint there yet. Justin plays guitar too…..impressive. The girl could actually sing. Nicely done. Great contest.

10:58: Tony Bennet & Quentin Terantino…presenting record of the year. CBS continues to have issues. Amazing. Dixie Cunts maybe? Gnarles Barkley Maybe? Yep, the Dixie cunts take it….wow…what a night for them. They’ve been up there like 5 times & now they finally start thanking people….the music is up….ok move along. L8r…buh bye!

11:02: and its commercial time.

11:06: Just filled my pint glass & my keg ran out…..guess this is the last beer for the night. Well unless you count the backup bottles in the fridge.

11:07: CBS is consistant if anything…they lose audio and/or video during the show and commercials!

11:08: Chris Rock takes the stage to introduce the Red Hot Chilli Peppers! LOL….i love these guys….love the outfits. Hahahah….he’s straight out of dodge ball…..funny shit. Timing is a bit off……they are not as into it as usual. Disappointing.

11:13: Al Gore & Queen Latifah…..now that’s a combination. Al Gore put on a few hundred pounds. I mean even Quen Latifah looks skinny next to him. They are presenting award for best rock album. Do we think the Peppers who just performed will win? Ummm…I think so! And the winner is the Peppers. And more sound problems…..CBS…..nice quick thank you & on their way.

11:16: It’s a commercial break.

11:23: We are back & Don Henley & Scarlett Johansan are going to present album of the year. She’s smoking hot. She’s recording an album….ummm why? Ok….do we think the Dixie cunts win this too? The winner is the Dixie Cunts….wow what a night for them. Ok, I’m sick of the song from hearing it so much tonight! Ok…I’m done with them. Move along now.

11:27: The 49th annual grammys is over 3 minutes early…..no big finale? Whats that about? So lets play the Dixie cunts song again…oh come on. Alright….3 free minutes of commercials. I’m going to bed! See you next year!

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"