The Connor Chronicles Volume LXXVII

Yeah, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written (who are you my mother for christs sakes) and I hope its worth it….so let’s roll. Let’s start with my most recent trip to LA. You all know how I LOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEEEE LA. This time I had to spend a weekend there and lets start with a story from that. We have found this great sports bar in Marina Del Ray….I mean awesome. Sunday morning I head there for breakfast and the Mets game. I get there at 10am when the game is starting. I sit at the bar & there are 4 guys who are regulars sitting next to me. One of them is clearly still drunk from the night before and annoying as all hell…and he’s basically sitting on my lap. This bar has 34 (yes I counted) stools and 7 of them are in use and he is sitting on my freaking lap! Now, read the below transcript….the last line is the payoff.

LAss: “Hey, where you from?”
Me: “New York”
LAss: “What do you think of the music here?” Note: They don’t have a juke box…clearly a bunch of downloaded music played via windows media player…works fine, sounds good and a reasonably good mix.
Me: “Pretty good.”
LAss: “I’m in charge of the music system and the playlists”
Me: “nice job” Can I give any shorter answers? A few moments later the opening of Train in Vain is heard
LAss: “Name the Band!” basically jumps at me with this questin.
Me: “The Clash”
LAss: “Fucking wrong New York”
Me: “Um, no it’s the Clash”
LAss: “WRONG! It’s the Tubes!”
Me: “Um, no it’s the Clash”
LAss: “Dude it’s my system”
Me: “Care to bet bar bills on it?”
LAss: “Your from out of town I can’t take your money”
Me: “Please, take my money.” With that he gets up and walks over to the system and comes back.
LAss: “I could have sworn it was the tubes”
Me: “No problem” back to my short answers, my Amstel (in 25oz mugs mind you) and the game.
LAss: “Wow we Californians thought all you NY guys were assholes, but your ok”

At this point I turn totally around to face him.

Me: “That’s the difference between Californians and New Yorkers. Californians think we’re all assholes. New Yorkers KNOW your all assholes”

At this point his friends who are all listening in tell him “That’s twice he has buried you…are you looking for strike 3?”

We bought each other a few beers I abused the guy some more and it was actually some fun.

Some other points about LA…..there are signs that if you are in the HOV lane illegally the minimum fine is $341…..not 340, not 350, 341….seriously…is this Governer Terminator at work?

Another thing, it was in the high 80’s and everybody….and I mean everybody was going crazy about the heat. There were people coming into the sports bar to sit there for hours and I mean hours….just drinking water…because it was too hot out and they don’t have air conditioning at home. Can you picture someone trying that at Donovans…well, ok Donovans AC don’t work, but you get the point.

And stop all this we in California are healthy and skinny and all that shit. Fuck you. They have more fast food places than NYC by far…its not even close. Hell, there was a McDonalds and Taco Bell next to each other across from my hotel whose drive through’s got so backed up I heard them reported on Shadow traffic.

And….the special of the day at the healthy deli by the office was the Supreme Sandwhich which is Roast Beef, Ham, turkey, bacon, cheese. This is the healthy fucking deli. One guy walked in and said give me the special of the day…double the meet & extra mayo! I had to turn to see if Schmeds or Kenny were in town!

Now, let’s talk about the hotel. Stayed at the Westin by LAX. There was a freak show convention going on. I mean they had about 500 people in the hotel for this week long convention which consisted of inventors, investors and marketers. The company running the convention brings them all together. If I had one more fucking person try to sell me something I was going to go fucking postal. People walking around with their inventions I mean you have no idea how freaky these people were.

Needless to say I spent a lot of time at the hotel bar which was freak show central. The good thing about the bar you get a new frosted glass with every beer you order. Bad thing, the glass is colder than the fucking beer.

Some of the things said at the bar…..

Guy #1 “Im in pharmaceuticals”
Guy #2 “You’re a farmer?”
Guy #1 “No pharmaceuticals”
Guy #2 “You farm what?”
Guy #1 “No, pharmaceuticals”
Guy #2 “Pharma-what?”
Guy #1 “Drugs”
Me “He’s had enough”

They both turned away at that point…don’t think they got it.
Then you had the drunk guy bombed out of his mind catches the ear of this poor guy who just wanted to have a beer or 2. The drunk is basically telling this guy how to raise his daughter. Finally the guy just pushed his beer away & walked away. Drunk guy came over to me next to which I said “I don’t have a daughter & I’m not pushing my beer away, so keep walking”…..he did.

Another incident involved 2 guys and 1 girl. The 2 guys were clearly together (not that there is anything wrong with that) and were not exactly masculine. So there are 2 bar stools and the guys sit and make her stand….nice. Then they ask if they have herbal tea….ok it’s a bar I’m absolutely mortified that they asked for herbal tea. Then I was fucking horrified when the bartender said yes. Where the fuck am I…..that question gets answered shortly by the way. Then one of the guys points across the bar and tell her “look another stool” then they proceed to watch as she goes and tries to carry it across the room….she ended up dragging it. I would have helped but I had to see how far they would let it go…seriously.

Then later on I have one women sitting on my left who is miss prim & proper and on my right I have a women who is clearly a truck driver. At this point there is 1 woman bartender and a guy keep ordering Fosters from her & they come in those huge cans Now I’ve been there for a while and the girl bartender says why does he keep ordering these to which I say…come on all together now, you know the line “he likes your big cans” to which she laughs. Miss prim & proper says and I quote “that’s a hoot” and the truck driver says and again I quote “fuckin-eh big mother fuckin cans”…..of course prim and proper is mortified and walks away. Bar tender is scared to death now…..and I’m just asking again….where the fuck am I!?!

Well, on Saturday night that question got answered. After several days of dealing with the freak show it was their final night & yes, it was formal night! I went to the bar and could not believe what these people looked like. It was prom night at the star wars cantina…..God I wish I had a camera!

Oh and another thing about California…I mean I’m all for the boob jobs (ironically that’s what we put on employee job titles for everyone at sony pictures), but the face lifts…um there is a point they need to stop. Seriously, there was a women at the sports bar one night who has had so many face lifts that after she pee’s she has to wipe her chin! When that happens, you’ve had too many lifts.

I did get to spend about 36 hours in San Fran this time out. And San Fran is by leaps and bounds better than LA. But its got its issues. First of all they clearly have more Asians than even Frushing…errr flushing. My flight from JFK to San Fran was total insanity. I thought I was a prisoner of war…..well, until I remembered I have sperm bigger than these people.

And of course the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of San Fran; well, other than the bridge, Alcatraz, the trollys, the hills….ok so its not the first thing, but eventually you get to the homosexual population….again, not that there is anything wrong with that. Well, I was staying at the W hotel which was pretty cool. However, the guy checking me in was so gay that I kept looking at the ceiling above him to see if the sprinklers were going to go off.

Now again, San Fran is much better than LA, but the people are still idiots. Here is the proof. I got to go to a Giants game. Love the fact that I can walk from my hotel to the game and back. I’ve never been to the park so I head there 2 hours early. Want to walk around and check it out. So I get to the park 2 hours before game time and there are several assholes in cayaks already in the water waiting for baseballs that will probably never come! That’s right they will sit there for more than 5 hours not able to see anything at all but water & wait for something that probably ain’t going to happen…and they do this 81 times a year! That my good man is an Ass Hole!

Now, my absolute highlight of being in California that week had to do with something back home. I was lucky in the fact that I missed the entire black out. However, I got not 1, not 2, but 3…yes 3 different calls about Darren Daulten directing traffic on 61st and Roosevelt while 2 cops sat in their car. Seriously….how much would I pay to have seen that? I easily would have handed over $500! But noooooooo, I’m in LA sitting at a Dodgers game where nobody watches the game! Seriously, instead there are like 25 beach balls being bounced around the stadium and EVERYONE is looking at the beach balls. Seriously, it’s the twilight zone!

Ok, Pluto is no longer a planet. It is now a dwarf planet because it is too small. Whose going to break the news to Peggy Ann & Jen that they are no longer people, but are now dwarf people!

Do we really need the Little League world series in high def? I mean isn’t there a better way to spend that money? Arent these kids at the age where they should be breaking out like one of Peggy Anne’s ex boyfriends when they forget to take their penicillin? (sorry peg, but you cancelled Fay Fest so you are a target today!)

I’d like to thank NBC (or whatever network it was) for The Treasure Hunters this summer. Aside from nailing the red neck stereo type with the wild hanlons who really should have been on the special Olympics edition of the show, they gave us one family of color in the competition and their name was…..yes, you guessed it, the Brown Family! The comedy gods just shine upon you when you are the voice over for a show and you get to say “Let’s check in on the Brown family” and the camera shows these folks!

Hey Donna, perhaps you can visit the Treasure Hunters web site to get a number for the Wild Hanlons…..you know, they seem to be your type!

Ok, I think I’ve gone on long enough here. Some very very special announcements on Events that I’m going to list…check Events page for full details.

September 9th is the dedication of the Woodside 9/11 memorial.

September 16th is the Tommy Miney BBQ – would LOVE to see a huge turn out this year…not only would it mean a lot to the Miney family, I know it would mean a lot to Moons closest friends like Tom Hags & Jimmy Jacs.

September 23rd is the Woodside Walks In Memory of Donna Dennis – this year if the cops don’t show up for traffic direction, Darren daulten has plenty of experience!

October 13th is Flashback Fridays at Donovans.

November 11th Parish Center fund raiser – all day events.

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"