The Connor Chronicles Volume LXIII

When you go to Vegas with 10 guys I guess anything can happen. I mean it’s Vegas so you have to be ready for fucked up happenings. I mean Schmeds was put to sleep before Tom each & every night! I mean, come on, do you know what the odds on that would have been in The Sports Book!?! I’m telling you, it would have to be a thousand to one shot!

Oooppppsss, sorry Schmeds was that supposed to be one of those What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas moments?

For now on we’ll refer to him as John “put me to bed” Kelly.

Good thing he's lucky in love because he sucks at gambling!!!

Let's see what else I'm aloud to cover from the trip....ok, a few things.

Not that Tom’s weekend was not without incident. I mean his flight did leave a few hours before ours and he got home like a whole day later! Air travel rule #1….no layovers!!! Especially during thunderstorm or hurricane seasons!!! So for that we dub him Tom “lay over & stay over” Haggerty. So while we were watching the Cards at Cubs from 35 thousand feet on Jet Blue, Tom was watching it in a hotel room about 3.5 miles from the game! When he left we knew this was gonna happen. Odds were even money on the big board.

In regards to how many times Larry “F-bomb” Faye would actually drop an F-bomb…..the over-under was 763 and I’m proud to say I had the over. Larry proudly blew right by that number. In fact I think he did it the first night at dinner when he realized he had just eaten a $55 hamburger. I don’t even want to tell you about the $65 bowl of pasta. We still haven’t found a calculator big enough to handle the bar bill from the cabana on Saturday!

We didn’t have the regular cabana, but we did get one up by the South pool. We got lucky some heavy cloud cover and even an April shower or two in the middle of August!

The bossom buddies (Harry & Pat – new best pals) and their son Kenny “my three 9’s don’t beat your three aces” Hellmann never saw the pool. This of course paid even money.

Also paying even money was Mike “Ralph” Haggerty puking each day. Mornin’ dick!

Another easy over that we hit was Rob “who gives a shit” Collins stating in any variation…who gives a shit, who gives a fuck, who cares, who the fuck cares. Honestly, count how many times he uses those phrases.

Honestly, why wasn’t I betting on these things instead of baseball, horses, 3 card poker & roulette? By the way at the Luxor we did set the record for how many fat men can sit around 1 three card poker table. And we still had reserves in the Sports Book!

But the star of the weekend was clearly Rob “don’t you fucking tell me what to do” Haggerty. The man was not sober for a single second of this trip….not that anyone really was, but he was in a constant state of bombedness. I can not begin to describe it with written words. I will try with one story.
Me, Rob & Tom are sharing a room. 2 beds and a couch. I figure we each take a night on the couch. First night I go for the couch. I’m out cold. Rob comes into the room about an hour later. Wakes me up from a dead sleep to ask “Why the fuck are you on the couch! You cant sleep there!” To which I reply “I just was now get to fucking bed” And here comes his trademark “Don’t you fucking tell me what to do”. This went on for 30 minutes or so!

For anyone that we see tomorrow I will give you the visual of the last night and Rob’s attempt to go to the bathroom at 6am. You have to see it to believe it!

I'm not even going to go into the whole us idiots dancing thing. Especially the Queen Latifah thing. Or the fact that we found the bodega of Casino's. When the roulette minimum is only $1 the hookers have to be a quarter!

Our trip home was not without incident though. Everyone caught a bit of the traveling with Dan curse.

We (me, schmeds, Collins squared, larry & Ralph, err mike) board our return flight right on time. And the captain makes this statement “Folks because of lighning in the area they cant bring a fuel truck out here right now”

When do they ever get thunderstorms in the desert….when I’m flying that’s when.

Thunderstorms subside and this is the next announcement “folks, your not gonna believe this, but we just past the top of the hour and apparently fueling the plane is a union job. The guy who was on duty left at the top of the hour and his replacement is not here yet”

Are you shitting me…one guy in the whole airport can fuel planes!?!

Come on there had to be at least one person who stayed at a Holiday Inn last night!

We eventually get in the air, fly home, circle Kennedy for a while, land and of course there is no gate for us. Sit on the ground for a bit. To which I hear the girl sitting next to me have the following conversations. Remember, its like 3 in the morning.

First with her mom “Mom is there a white car outside” “ok, he’s waiting for me, let him sleep in the car” “thanks”

Next with her girlfriend “Yeah, I just landed.” “he’s outside my house” “im gonna tell him I was with you and lost track of time”

Who is this guy? The biggest moron on the planet? He didn’t realize she was gone for how many fucking days! And she wasn’t even hot…what are you doing sleeping outside her house you loser.

So we get off the plane & there are literally over a hundred people on line for cabs. This is where I see our tax dollars at work at Captain Faye has an unmarked car driven by one of NY’s finest waiting. It takes him & the other 2 civil servants home. I call a car service for me & Rob. I say Rob, mind if he drops me off first & he responds “Who the fuck cares”. The guy drives like a lunatic & Rob points out how many hospitals are along our path in case we wipe out!

I get home, crash for 2 hours, go to work, get home from work, sit down & laugh at the fact that Tom still isn’t home!

Trip was way too short, but it was one hell of a trip!

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"