The Connor Chronicles Volume LXII

Im not sure I can do last night justice, but I’ll try. Let me set the scene. We’re in the Catskills for the annual mayhem. About 30-40 of us sitting in the bar….dying of thirst because the service is slower than a Hellmann running out a single….and that’s the good news!

We are listening to the band (all 2 members) who were so bad I am reconsidering my stand on not playing guitar in public. In fact I’m calling the guys from my high school band to book us some gigs up here!

So, the “band” consists of a Al Franken look alike keyboard player who plays like 99 fingers flintstone & sings like Tracey at 3am in KC Moores. Who would have thought he’d be bringing us an all Time Acra Manor highlight! Then there’s the guitarist who thought he was Pete Townsend, but played like Pete The Teeth. Hell Pete Gray could have played better & he has one fucking arm! These clowns have just one mic to share and have to pass it back and forth all night.

So just after these guys butcher a Doors tune, and while we are waiting for the obnoxious slow (physically & mentally) bar maid to get us a drink……I wish I could say at least she has her looks, but she lost those during an apparent collision with a tanker truck that must have been carrying acid. Hell, Tracey stands next to her because it makes her nose look normal. Ok, where the hell was I.

Oh yeah, right about now is when the hooker walks in. That’s right folks. Right here in Acra Manor, in the middle of nowhere, we have our very own crack whore. She’s shaking from an apparent need for a fix. Her dress is tighter than a hemroid riddled ass. And her 4 inch heels light up with each step. And that’s her good points. She clearly went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson…..during his cannibal years. She’s clearly a street walker on the boulevard of death!

At this point, all bets are off!!!

So she comes in, walks a lap or 2 around the bar looking people up and down. So all of us idiots are just howling….i thought my head was going to explode with the amount of material running through it.

All of a sudden the band is on break & the keyboard player gets up, walks over to the train wreck and starts making out with her…..thats right, he’s the Bobby Brown to her Whitney Houston.

They proceed to walk out the door, into the parking lot and hop in her car. So all of sudden there are 15 or so of us idiots against the window looking out into the parking lot. I would have thought that was hysterical until I looked out the window and realized that the other 15 or so people were actually outside watching the show.

So, now she’s bobbing for apples with an audience. So here we are on the set of our very own porn flick. But instead of Tracey Lord we get Tracey get Tracey Gold in her anorexic years! Now I know what happened to their other mic! So she finishes……and yes she swallows…I mean lets face it, its her only shot at getting any protein in her diet.

So they come walking back in…..to the loudest round of applause in Acra since the night that Tom & Jen Moore streaked…..yeah, it’s a family resort.

All of sudden 99.....err 98 fingers (I think one fell off in that rat trap) is smiling from ear to ear. The crack whore is dancing around and he’s ready to tickle the ivories. He announces its his birthday. She announces her name is Bo Ten. Looks more like a beat-ten to me!

So they belt out a couple of songs including…..and no, im not making this up…..they play The Lady Is A Tramp.

Ok, that’s just a small taste. Other hits from the night include Brian trying to sit next to her (I believe Lorraine is making him boil his skin)….Joey (lemon head) dancing with her……not sure whose car he’s riding home in, but it ain’t mine.

At some point I’ll have to write a more complete chronicles which will include highlites from Friday (featuring Face & my brother Jimmy……2 things you never want to say together) and whatever else happens around here.

Jesus, its only Monday. I need to get to the pool bar. I need to start drinking. Jen is about 10 minutes away & I’m fearful of how many beads she is brining with her from New Orleans!

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"