The Connor Chronicles Volume LX

The French lost……yeah, that’s a shock. Seriously did anyone else jump for joy when they heard that London had won the 2012 games over Paris. Paris thought they were a lock! But apparently they stopped fighting for it once again. I love it!

Ok, so Lance Armstrong is going for his 7th straight tour de france win. Wouldn’t you love to see the big Texan cross the finish line, wrap himself in an American flag and take a great big shit on the chez de whatever the fuck it is.

Yesterday Lance and his team shattered the time trial record by averaging over 35 mph for the 120 mile stage! Do you realize what that is? Seriously, we drove less than that on Monday coning home from the Poconos and I got out of the car limping. Never mind pedaling, my gas/break foot kept cramping!

Well, coming back from vacation just blows. The last few days of the trip went so freaking fast! I really wanted my mom to see Magans bay in St. Thomas. The problem with Magans is that it has one entrance, and by that entrance is the bathrooms and food and stuff. This is all located on one end of the beach. So, the later you arrive, the further down the beach you have to walk and the further away from everything you are.

So, I got up early and headed out to get us a good spot. I was one of the first people there. Grabbed some rental lounge chairs and setup under a tree. I am sitting in paradise for about 90 minutes. I mean it was perfection. Then all of a sudden about 10 feet to my right there is a screaming baby. This kid screamed for at least 45 minutes non stop! Being that the day before we arrived in St. Thomas 2 americans were killed on the island I thought it best not to drown the kid and her parents.

Kenny started having pains the last few days. NOTE: He still didn’t miss a meal!

Somehow my mother managed to find her way home. Bookies made a fortune there.

If we had to sing Happy Birthday to Jen one more time I would have shot someone. Our waiter on the pool deck grabbed her, walked her to the front of the stage and made the band play Happy Birthday. How mortified do you think she was. We then sang to her after dinner with her cake. Then at the show that night the same waiter made her stand up in the theater and had people sing to her. Then the next night in the main dining room the waiter made us sing to her again.

So, we head up to the Poconos for July 4th weekend. This is our trip with Rob & the boys & Tom, Face and Tommy. Or as Jen & I refer to it “The annual birth control trip”. Takes us over 1 hour just to get from our house to the GW Bridge. Another 90 minutes to get to the gate. We are about 10 cars back from the gate and we come to a dead stop. The cars are piling up behind us for about 15 minutes. A guy with long hair in the passenger seat of the car directly in front of us keeps getting in and out of his car, cursing and screaming about the delays. Then the guy in the passenger seat of the first car that is apparently the cause of the delay gets out of his car. He starts walking from car to car saying something. As he gets closer I say “Jen, Is that Tom?”. Of course it is. I yell to him. He sees me and start coming over. Then the guy in the car behind me yells…..and of course it’s Rob. Tom tells me “They are not letting us in because we were rude with them” I reply “ok what did you do?” Tom says “nothing…well we might have said that they need a better system! And they told us we said it with attitude, but we didn’t”. Now, how many people in here believe Tom & Face on this one. Granted, the system is total shit & the total IQ of the guards on duty barely breaks single digits, but you know Tom & Tracey tossed some tude. So now Tracey is out of the car and brings the guard back to Rob since he is the renter and somehow the 3 of us are all through the gate. At this point the long hair dude is out of his car curing at the guards who scream at him to get back in the vehicle. We got out of there before all hell broke loose.

From now on please refer to my wife as Yellow Tail. This is appropriate since on Saturday she drank an entire bottle of Yellow Tail white wine. NOTE: It was not a regular bottle. It was a magnum. Of course on Sunday she woke up and proceeded to kick my ass over 9 holes.

Nothing like coming home from vacation to 6 or 7 people in your backyard. You know we wouldn’t have it any other way. Sat down and had a few beers & it was another beauty of a day.

Nothing like celebrities to break me out of a writing slump. I mean I’ve been in a seriously long slump, but thanks to Tom & Katie & the Live 8 show that I’m watching on MTV right now I have enough material to launch a sitcom. I’m sitting here watching the show thinking, please someone, smack some of these schmucks. Then ladies & gentlemen, they bring you Madonna! Yeah, I know she moved to London & is performing at the London venue of this event, but stop with the British accent & trying to speak like something your not. Your nothing more than a blowjob. Always have been and always will be. If you’ve forgotten I suggest you watch your old documentary. You know, the one where you take an entire champagne bottle down your throat?

Before Madonna comes out Bob Geldorf is on stage and he shows a picture of a girl who was 10 minutes from death at the time of Live Aid 20 years ago. So of course, she survived and Bob says its because of everyones efforts. He of course brings her out. This girl speak in some Zimbabwe language for about 45 seconds. Nobody has a clue what she’s saying. When she’s done some guy translates it, but the translation takes life 10 seconds, so I don’t think he got it. Either that or she cursed everyone out & he fixed it! So then Sir Bob introduces Madonna. Madonna comes out and Bob is gone off the stage. But the miracle child is still there. Madonna hugs the girl and then says wheres bob. No bob so Madonna starts with the accent. “Are You Ready London? Are you ready to change history?” Nice job there skank whore…..you can’t change history you dumb bitch. So now Madonna has to do Like a prayer with the Miracle child on stage and of course miracle child is just standing there. Great stuff. Somewhere during the song the translator comes running out to get her off stage.

Earlier they interviewed Snoop Dogg. So they ask Snoop Dog what he thinks the 8 men who are part of the G8 (Bush, Blair, et all) summit can do to help out in Africa. Snoop replies…..and I’m not making this up……”they already started by organizing this day”. I don’t think that it was GW that reached out to you folks.

I have to give it to Madonna though she can put on a show though. She sounds pretty good. She just did Ray of light after like a prayer. Oh geeze….they just cut away from live Madonna to show a tape of Snoops performance recorded earlier. There are some great rap acts in the world. He is not one of them.

Did anyone see Bon Jovi’s performance earlier? Why was John Bon Jovi singing living a prayer, but acting as a hair dresser. Note I didn’t say gay hair dresser because that is a given…no?

Oh my god…this snoop thing is getting funny. He has backround singers doing na-na-na-na na-na-na-na hey hey snoop dog. And he just stands there. Absolutely terrible.

MTV’s coverage just sucks by the way. The VJ’s are just terrible. They don’t know how to fill the time. They are stumbling all over themselves and talking over each other.

Will Smith was pretty awesome, but the Black eyed peas disappointed.

Ok, we’ll get back to Live 8 later, but for know let’s talk about Tom & Katie. Everyone heard about Tom’s appearance on Opera, but nobody is talking about Katie’s equally wacked out appearance on Letterman. And I have to say Letterman during this interview was as good as I’ve ever seen him. Taking Tom is short shots and Tom is twice your age shots at every turn & Katie didn’t have a clue. It was great.

Tom Cruise says that psychology is not a science. Let’s give Tom a lesson. L. Ron Hubbard was a science fiction writer. That means what he wrote he made up! As in, not real. So he comes up with scientology & he clearly stated this is something he made up. But yet Tom & our other Hollywood friends follow it as law……but psychology is not a science.

And now he has brainwashed my Katie. I guess that means I’ll have to go with Angelina! Oh well, the sacrifices I make!

Ok, U2 and Paul McCartney were excellent. Cold Play with the guy from the Verve were really good. Green Day of course tore Berlin apart. I’m not a big Good Charlette fan, but they were really good. Here comes Dave Mathews Band. Not bad, but not great.

Ok…..i was having a nice peaceful day and then back they all come. Rob & the boys, Tom Face & block head, and my wife. So much for tranquility.

Wow….that was a loud 45 minutes & I’m not talking about the concert.

Ok, that’s not fair. Joss Stone & Shakira back to back. If Kirk is watching this he’s barefoot right now!

Ok, the hair dresser wanna be aka bon jovi is back. Anyone else wanna shove that voice box up richie samboras ass?

Oh man Mariah Carey just took the stage. She is having a resurgence, but she’s another BJ.

Come on let’s have a North American Crack Whore showdown. Roll out the Canadian Crack Whore (Celine) and the Queen of Crack Whore’s Whitney Houston & my night will be complete!

Who the hell is this guy screaming AFRICA while Dido’s trying to sing?

Sir Elton John did a solid job. The man can still bring it.

Maroon 5 is up. This guy has one of the most unique voices out today. Not too bad live. Thought he would lose more of it. Sounds good. They are doing some Niel Young…..nice.

Who wants to break the news to Motley Crue that despite what the commercial for their new album states, they are not the most notorius band in rock and roll history.

Ok…velvet revolver…..solid band. But just because slash still wears the hat doesn’t mean that the other guys have to wear one too.

MC LYTE SUCKS!!! Sorry, had to get that out of the way.

Ok, im cooking while the dopes are shopping. I’m also watching the show. One thing I’m not doing…..and this will shock you all………is, I’m not drinking. That stops now. See ya in a bit.

Ahhhh…..rightous!!!

I start drinking & The Who take the stage. Break time.

They sounded pretty solid….not sure who was on drums, didn’t look like Zack Starkey.

Why is Michael Stipe of REM trying to look like the HamBurgler? Honestly, his face is painted.

Pink Floyd reunion. They sound really really good.

Ok, so Paul McCartney does a solid job….but then brings George Michael out! John Lennon must be rolling over in his grave! You know what happened the last time a guy laying next to George Michael rolled over!

Ok…MC Lyte just called Keith Urban, Keith Herbert. Dumb bitch!

Now might be a good time to tell most of these people that Africa is not a country! Fucking morons!

Announcement Time: The Carnival at the Center is this Thursday through Sunday. Come on down and see the Carney folk. Or become a Carney folk for a couple of days and help out. In particular Harry can use some of the guys to walk around as security. Just to keep an eye on things.

The Donna Dennis walk will be held on 9/17. Check Events Page for details.

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"