The Connor Chronicles Volume LIX

Time for some nonsensical ravings of the lunatic mind! And some stories too. Like, for example. Wednesday morning I had to drive to the NJ office. Pulled into the parking lot at like 7:30. Jumped out of the truck right onto a patch of black ice. I go down faster than a crack whore about to score a $20. Speaking of crack whore’s…how is Macy Gray these days?

You know, back in the day when I was an athlete. You know before I discovered beer. Come on, you remember! When I was in 4th grade! A fall like that never would have happened back then! Granted, jumping out of a big wheel isn’t the same as jumping out of a Durango, but hey it never would have happened.

Speaking of things that never happened. Please tell me that at the Grammy’s that song to raise money for Tsunami relief never happened. Seriously, tell me they didn’t record that! Did anyone remember to check Brian Wilson for a pulse before that?

Here’s something that did happen. The last time I traveled I was asked to share a room with a women who was not my wife. It was a set of strange circumstances that led to this. In any event Jen was ok with it. I was pumped. A good looking blond with a nice rack….yes, there is a god! Well, this situation deteriorated worse than Schmeds hip!

She comes into the room wearing the size 40X jersey hanging in KC Moores with matching shorts. And that’s the good part! There are 2 beds about 5 feet apart. When laying on my back, her bed is to my left. So she lay’s down and is laying on her right side, so she is facing me. She falls asleep faster than I drink an Amstel…..I know this because I was actually drinking an Amstel at the time. About 30 seconds later I feel the hairs on my left arm pulling away from me….it’s her inhale of what is about to begin a snore fest that could wake my Uncle Jackie…..you know, the one who died a few weeks ago! Holy geeze, it was unreal. No way I’m falling asleep with this happening. I mean if this is how hard she can inhale while sleeping can you imagine what she can do when she concentrates? This is the girl! You know, the one you heard about your whole life! The one who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose! Suck the chrome off a trailer hitch! Seriously, if she sucked on a penny; Lincolns gravesite would be sticky for weeks! Nothing to do but Pop open another Amstel and pray is all I can do.

Well, low and behold, a little while later she rolls over onto her left side….the hair on my arm (what hasn’t been totally sucked off) falls back down. I realize I have to fall asleep before she rolls back over. So I lay on my left side…facing her back now. And just as I get comfortable it happens. Yep, on her left side she has to make noise too! But not snoring!!! She is RIPPING ASS! And she’s aiming right at me! Geeze, I’d rather be stuck in that damn elevator in LA!

Remember a couple of years ago when I went to McDonalds and asked for 2 Cheeseburgers plain and they gave me 2 buns with cheese and no burgers. Well apparently that genius now works at the happy deli. I asked for a Roast Beef & American Cheese Hero…”Anything on it sir?”…..no, plain will do. Yep, say hello to my cheese hero!

Is there a reason why so many parks are built on the side’s of highways? Seriously, is that the best place for a swing set?

The Redsox know they can’t repeat. That is why they have to start all this crap.

How does Jose Conseco’s book make the Time’s best sellers list? Who is buying this crap? Honestly, can I sell them The Chronicles? McGuire took steroids? That’s a shock. The guy grew faster than my schwanson when watching Angelina Jolie in Gia! (but not as big)

I have not been to a St. John’s game in about 17 years. Now I’ll be to 3 in 3 weeks. Is it that I got popular or that they suck?

Got an eMail the other day for my High School’s 20th reunion. That made Wednesday’s fall hurt a bit more.

We had 2 pipes rupture in our house in less than a week. One of them had more pressure than you can imagine shooting straight off the ceiling for 20-25 minutes. You ain’t seen nothing till you’ve seen to Jamaican plumbers with hefty bags draped over them trying to stop rushing water.

Paris Hilton’s sidekick was hacked almost a week ago & I still haven’t gotten any calls? I don’t understand! I’m sure my number was in there.

SJU beats Duke outright tomorrow! Book it!

Met’s new slogan is Next Year is Now or something like that. Boy do they miss Tug!

Jason Giambi shouldn’t get booed by anyone that isn’t willing to boo Bonds!

Coming up next U2 rocks the Grammys! Is anyone else still waiting?

Now Melissa ROCKED the grammys! Joss Stone was no slouch either.

Melissa did the right thing by not wearing a wig, probably helped a ton of women. However, how big is her freaking nose? I mean, as a lesbian that has to be a problem. Can you imagine what she’s sniffing when she’s 69ing?

Yeah, I just crossed the line! There was a better chance of Pat Hunt passing a buffet than me passing on that joke!

Someone said Hockey season is cancelled. I was shocked that someone noticed.

Ok, it’s late on a Friday & I’m taking Jen & my mom to dinner…..how cheap am I…they can’t eat meat! You know I’m ordering the veal!

Ok, 2 important announcements.

Please check the upcoming events page for detailed information.
There are some fund raiser being held for Nancy Franklin….please do what you can to help Nancy, Paul & the kids.

Also, Craig Geraghty’s next short film is premiering. Details are on the events page!!!

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"