The Connor Chronicles Volume LVII

So, I had to spend last week in LA. I’m not sure why I continue to get punished, but I do. So I book the trip, my regular hotel is sold out. Great…just great. Anyway, make my reservations and off I go to JFK. Flight out is oversold, so I’ll be stuffed in my seat like tomorrows turkey. Doors are about to close & seat next to me is empty. Here comes the family of 5 rushing onto the plane. Ok, which one ends up to me. Well, the little 8 year old kid. We take off and before we even level out junior is out cold using my shoulder as a pillow. His Yamuka (sic) falling into my lap like 3 times. He stays this way for the entire 5.5 hours! Dad made like 4 trips up to check on him and doesn’t wake him once. Just thinks its nice!

Well, other than being a pillow the flight was uneventful. Get to Hertz, check the Gold Member board for my name, let’s see Burns, Carson, Connoly, Conway……jesus H Christ, its not there…..I HATE THIS PLACE.

Into the little office, yes, I’m a gold member but my name is not on the board. So I waste 20 minutes there…..thank you very much.

A couple of hours of uneventful work….yada yada yada, people are idiots and so on we go.

Ok, off to the hotel. No valet? What the….this has to be the only place (hotel, restaurant, anything) without a Valet. Hell Starbuchs has a freakin Valet.

Ok, park in the lot, smell like cat piss. Grab my luggage and trek to the front desk. Check in…thank God the womens name isn’t Diane. Get my room key, get to the elevator (I love LA elevators) and press the button. Nope, that don’t work, you need to swipe your card to activate the elevator. No freakin valet, but this they have. Of course my card doesn’t work…back to the front desk. Oooppppppssssss, sorry, I forgot to activate the card. And the search for intelligent life continues.

Up to my room, AC on. Find the neighborhood map, look for place to watch Monday night football which starts at 6pm…the only good thing about LA. Cool, the promenade is only 1 mile away. This is how bad the driving conditions in LA could be. I, the lazy fat bastard that I am decide to walk because I know that it can easily take 35-40 minutes to drive that 1 mile.

I get over to the 3rd street promenade and start walking through. Here is how condescending the people in LA are. It is so bad that even the bums think they are upscale. You walk the streets of manhattan and you get “spare some change”, the bums in LA, “spare a dollor or two”.

So I walk on over to Hooters. Sit at the bar and order 20 wings & an Amstel….woo-hoo, dinner! The girl behind the bar says “should I keep a tab open?” My response, either that or your gonna have to make a lot of trips to the register honey!

Of course, they get to channel 7 a few minutes late, on all 42 TV’s mind you, so I miss the most controversial opening to MNF in history.

Ce la vi….beer me! I figure this is a good time to observe the crowd. I often wonder do these people ask themselves why the guy drinking like 20 Amstels takes notes all night?

1st quarter underway & Terrell Ownens just ice skated across the end zone. Ok, let’s take a look at the crowd in Hooters, and no not the one in the bar maids shirt.

So, to my left we have the guy with the worst hair piece in the world. I mean it made me want to get one because of the total amount of comedy it could bring to a night in KC Moores. Throw on top of that he is wearing a heavy lether jacket (its 76 degrees out) while sitting at the bar. And he’s wearing so many ridiculous rings that I thought he had on brass knuckles for a 2nd.

All of that would have been fine, but then he ordered an O’dools & I lost all respect for him. Now, I have zero issues with people not drinking. In fact congrats. But you have to be a pretty big loser to walk into any bar by yourself to not drink! I mean going to a bar with friends and not drinking is great, good for you…but this….SAD.

On my right, young black guy and I start to talk sports with him for a second when he points out that his career is designing womens shoes. Only in LA.

Next to him is a guy with the face of porky pig, with hair in, yes, you guessed it, pig tails that ran way past his ass.

Other than that you go the 2 guys in their mid 40’s with the 2 girls in there teens. Working girls?

Well, another theory was just proven. Not only do LA fans leave sporting events that they attend in person early, they leave the bars at half time as well. What would these people do if they were on the East coast? Losers!

Here is something else I’ve noticed out here. People don’t drink. They go to bars and just sit around. I mean the place had a good crowd and this girl barely poured any drinks other than mine.

That being said, game is over, I ask for the check and she hits me with this line “Your leaving? You sure? I mean I still have a couple of beers left”

OUCH!!! Good line…..i’m slightly impressed you little whore.

Ok, so back to the hotel I go. After I walk the mile I figure I deserve a beer at the hotel bar. So, I walk over there and hear lots of noise and am thinking wow…. A hotel bar with some life!

I get there and find that I’m the only white person at the bar. No big deal, grab a seat order a beer and notice that everyone is just yelling at each other. So I ask the bartender whats going on…..and hear it comes. “They all just got back from the Vibe awards, there was a brawl and a stabbing! They are all worked up over it.”

Check please!

A guy from Sony Electronics in San Jose flew in to help with the project I was out there for. So I meet him in the hotel lobby the next morning.

Side note…at my regular hotel I get breakfast every morning. You know my bacon & eggs, but not here. This blows.

So I meet him in the lobby and we are gonna drive over to “the lot”. On the way we have to stop at Starbucks for coffee…wow, look theres one, theres one, theres another, theres one….you get the point.

Get to the office & order flowers (8 dozen roses) for Jen since I am missing our anniversary for the first time. Happy Anniversary Jen!

During the drive I find out that his daughter is on the current season of MTV’s The Real World. Her name is Melanie for those of you that watch the show.

Thank god this is a short trip. Wednesday night I decide to go back to the bar for a few beers before bed. I figure by now the blood stains and bullet holes should be cleaned up.

So I’m sitting there and an older English couple sits next to me. They look like death, but they are quite charming…..hey, they were English, charming is the appropriate word.

So we chat for a bit & they call it a night as they walk away the women makes a point to stop & say “And have a lovely thanksgiving” to which I reply “you too”…..oooopppsss!

A couple of seats to my left is more yelling. There is a convention in town and there are like 4 people together & one of them is loaded and wants to do a shot. His 3 co-workers tell him he needs to go to bed, he throws a hissy fit & I’m wishing I could see him when he wakes up and realizes that he has to work with these people.

Then there’s the guy who orders an Irish coffee, which the bartender makes. However, they don’t use cream which kind of makes it null & void. I would have complained as well, but the guy didn’t complain until after he drank the entire thing. I mean all of it, every drop then he demands not to pay for it.

This is where society needs laws that allow for something like a citizens arrest, but more like a citizens smack down. Basically, you should be allowed to give 1 smack down a month. Where you walk over to a guy and say, I am going to use my monthly smack down on you because you are an ass, and you proceed to pummel the person. Let’s face it, the same people would get pummeled every month.

Hell, a few of you reading this would be on the receiving end.

Also, this hotel had urinals that were so low that even Neil Farrel wouldn’t have to tippy toe to use them. I mean, I almost didn’t have to worry about the shwanson getting wet, almost!

Every time I’ve been to LAX, the check-in/security at the American Airlines terminal takes just about an hour. So I always arrive at the airport about 2.5 hours before my flight so that I can eat before I get on the plane. In LAX, I go to Chile’s.

Well, this is my first time flying on a Thursday and the check in is only about 15 minutes. Of course this is the only time on this line that I have a 5 foot 11 ¾ tall blond model on line in front of me who is actually having a conversation with me that she started! Are you kidding, where the hell is the bomb threat when you need one?

Well, I’m through security, the blond hottie is off to Quebec & I’m off to Chilles. Sit down, the usual bartender, Hector is there….yes, I know that’s sad.

I order the fried cheese & an Amstel…..to which Hector replies, we no longer carry the fried cheese. It’s like a direct shot to the heart! I’m crushed. LA just completely blows. However, they still have Amstel, so I’ll live.

Here’s the thing though, I’m in Chile’s for like 2 hours because I am so damn early. I mean I watched the crowd around me change at least 4 times with people catching different flights.

And I hit my beer drinking stride while sitting there. I mean Jimmy Jacs, Gary Jacs or Chris Santangelo can explain it to you some time, but I hit my stride. The bottles were still cold when I was putting them down empty.

Well, after god knows how many beers its time to board the plane…I’m going home and things are looking up. Even get an empty seat next to me on the plane. Pop in The Kids Are Alright DVD and order an Amstel…..and I’m still in stride. You want to know what sad is? Sad is getting not 1, but 2 buy backs on the plane!

Well, tis the season!

So, who originally got Ron Artest to play that season for St. Sebastian’s? Aren’t we all proud now? I submitted the below to the Daily News, but doubt it will be published.

I originally had no plan to comment on the Ron Artest situation. However, a string of events on Tuesday have changed my mind. First I find Ron Artest on the Today show holding up the CD that he is executive producer of. Obviously he does not understand the impact of his actions. Followed by that, NBA Players Association Executive Director Billy Hunter states that “Ron is not very good at articulating his feelings”, but he is truly sorry for what has happened. Obviously just another Yes man for Ron Ron. Then I read in the Daily News a comment from Ron Artest Sr. stating that Ron “has never hurt anybody”. Did he not see the incident? The first person Ron Artest attacks is clearly not the person who threw the cup at him. Also, does his father not remember young Ron’s actions during a C.Y.O. basketball (about 8th grade) game when he hit a referee with a chair? If those around Ron Artest from that young age started to tell him he was wrong and helped him then, he may have had a shot at not being a thug surrounded by people looking for hand outs who only know how to agree with him now.

Did I cover this yet? The expression “No offense, but…” I’m sorry, but when you start that sentence, you do mean to be offensive so why don’t we just call it that way. Ok, I had to get that off my chest.

A couple of announcements.

First, tonight, thanksgiving Eve at KC Moore’s. Free domestic beer & bar drinks for ladies from 9pm-11pm. Eternal Sounds starts at 10pm. No word on who will be dancing on the bar after last weeks shinanegans.

Also, December 4th @ KC Moore’s will be the annual Tommy Ahston raffle. Always a great time. Drink specials. Check in with Events page for details.

And on December 18th will be KC Moore’s Christmas Party. Details to follow on the Events page.

I also want to wish you and your families a very Happy Thanksgiving.

A special Thanksgiving wish to Soldier Girl and all of those who like her sacrifice for all of us.

As always, until next time, stay safe.

Later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"