The Connor Chronicles Volume XLIX

Ok, ignore everything I ever said about LA! I’m moving here! That’s it,
pack the bags gas up the car & point it West baby!

Think about it! It all makes sense! It’s clear that I can be king out
there! I mean, why didn’t I think of this sooner! Hell if Ah-Nuld can be
governor I’m a flipping lock (more on flipping in a minute) to run this
town. At least I can say California!

I’ve been looking at these moronic people all wrong. I can make them MY
people! Or in today’s world, my bitches!

Of course the negative thing is that I would truly be in Jail in a matter of
months. I mean the flipping super market people are STILL on strike! It’s
been months. Come on people….move on, get a paper route or something!

So, I’m going to give up on the idea of having a kingdom that I can rename
to Connorfornia and stay home where the only people that follow my orders
are Leon & my dogs…and even they ignore me ½ the time!

So, in case you didn’t know or you haven’t figured it out by now I’m on a
plane back from flipping LA (how long before they run out of Amstel?) and
it’s time to recap the fun & games of this latest adventure! Bill & Ted
ain’t got crap on me!

Let’s start with the flight out. It could not have been any more crowded.
Oversold & out of control. There goes the hope of an empty seat next to my
fat butt! Anyone ever here of a movie called In America? Me either!
Honestly, do they film these things the morning of the flight?

Let’s jump to the Hertz rental car service. Get off the shuttle bus and
watch all the bastards who are gold members walk right over to their car
that is waiting for them. Being the nobody that I am I walk in, wait on
line. Get to the counter. Sir, your car will be ready in about 10
minutes….no big deal. Then this little dipstick gold member walks by
everyone interrupts my conversation with the lady & says “I can’t take the
car you have assigned me!” I’m like here we go. Why not sir? Because it’s
a Grand Marquis, it’s too big to drive in LA. I need something smaller!

It’s a freaking rental! Take it, smash it….whatever, who cares. The lady
behind the counter all annoyed asks me if I want it. I answer, I’ll drive
the flipping shuttle bus around LA if it means I can get out of here! She
laughed….dipstick gold member, not so much.

Is anyone else reciting Austin Powers Gold member lines right now? Pipe & a
pancake? Bong and a blintz? How bout Noooooo you crazy dutch bastard!

Wow, sorry, that was a nice break in the action.

Ok, let’s skip all work related activities until the end so I don’t go into
a seizure right here in seat 34G!

Let’s go to Tuesday. I head to Houston’s bar & grill. My only refuge.
Cold Amstel, a decent burger. Cheese Bread. Ahhhhh, the only 2400 square
feet in the entire state worth a crap. Until of course, Kelli the waitress
informs me they stopped carrying Amstel. FLIPPING CALIFORNIA! My only
refuge & they blow it!

Ok, let’s jump to Wednesday. You know how it never rains in southern
California? Well, 4 trips out here in 13 months & it’s rained every time.
So on Wednesday I am walking through an outdoor mall in the rain. Key word
here is OUTDOOR. They have “caution floor is wet” signs all over the place!
First of all, it’s not a floor it’s the flipping sidewalk & second of all,
of course it’s wet, it’s raining out…as in OUTDOORS!

Ok, Thursday, it’s raining……AGAIN.

Before we talk about the aiport & the flight home, let’s talk about some
work incidents.

I have not met a person in Sony Pictures that can be on time for a meeting.
In fact nobody is within 10 minutes of the actual start time. This morning
I had a meeting with 2 guys scheduled for 9:30. They walked in at 9:52.
When I ask people about this they say “It’s entertainment”. Well, I worked
for Sony Music for 8 years and they are entertainment. In fact, that’s
their name. Sony Music Entertainement Inc. And everyone there is on time
for meetings!

On Wednesday I had lunch with a couple of guys. We leave for lunch @ 12:30.
We have a 2pm meeting. At 1:45 I say, we should get going. They agree,
but nobody moves. This guy is looking at pictures on the wall with the
waiter. Needless to say we get to the meeting at 2:31.
Un-flipping-believable.

Let’s talk about the waiter for a second. We are in a nice Italian place.
The waiter has the thick Italian accent. And these guys are in love with
him. “He’s from Sicily, he takes great care of us”. And the only thing
going through my head is that this is some schmuck from Idaho who came to
California to be an actor and is waiting tables hoping for a break. In
fact, playing the Italian waiter from Sicily has been his biggest role to
date & he has these clowns fooled.

Ok, let’s get to flipping! There is this pain in the arse, moronic
executive director at SPE who has less technical knowledge than Tracey who
insists on saying flipping! Come on, at least say freakin & I’ll have some
respect for you. Flipping? What the f*ck is flipping? He say’s it at
least once every 20 words. I wanted to unscrew his arm & beat him senseless
with it! So of course when I am in a conversation with him….(I’d rather
stick a sword up my arse sideways)….for everytime that he says’ flipping, I
answer with a f*cking.

Ok, it’s Friday (its raining AGAIN) & I’m off to the airport. Sitting in
Chili’s having a cheesteak & 1 or 6 Amstels. And it is so easy to tell who
is going home from California & who is from California and just heading out
of town. They are in Chili’s and they are sending food back, asking if I
can have the food with 1/7 the amount of dressing. Not ½, not ¼, hell not
even 1/8th. 1/7th……these people are morons.

On the plain home. Empty seat next to me…….things are looking up. Black
guy next to me has the worst flat top haircut I have ever seen. Until of
course I realize that it’s a felt pea cap. The only way I was able to tell
was the Adidas logo on the back….and even then I had to confirm it wasn’t
shaved into his hair!

Remember the hideous look that Daryll Hannah had for most of the Steel
Magnolias movie? Well, apparently the woman sitting in front of me thinks
it’s a good thing. It’s not! It’s sooooo damn hard being perfect!

Ok, they are out of Amstel! Land the flipping plane! No, I’m serious.
This is a problem!

That’s it, I’m done. I’ve only had 7, how can you be out? Arghhhhhhh!

Ok, it’s Monday. Didn’t even read over the above to see if it was even
reasonably funny. Anyway, some important information & quick hits.

Who would have thought that Kenny would feel Annie up before me?

How can you have a 100 thousand dollar super bowl pool & not have reverse
payoffs?

I just realized Mike Haggerty has a gun & a kissing cousin….all’s he needs
now is the pickup with gun rack!

March 27th is the Jim Nasium fund raiser. I have $100 raffle tickets for
sale to individuals or groups. Let me know if you are interested.

Ok, I’m out of here. As always until next time, stay safe.

Later,
dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya,
you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who
takes the shame!"