The Connor Chronicles Volume XXXI

Coming to you straight from LA, actually Marina Del Ray....either way it
sucks!

First off, hello Germany! Hope you are well, stay safe!

About 30 minutes after I got back to my room last night they announced on TV
an earthquake in the area........I think this in no small way is a linked to
the rectal explosion that I had just experienced after 3 days of not
dropping the kids off at the pool.

As some of you know, my kids like to go swimming several times a day, so
after 3 days of not swimming they were dying to hit the water!

Trip started off nice enough. I get to the airport Monday and find out that
my plane is empty! I get a row of 3 seats to myself....I spread out, I'm
doing work....with an hour to go I realise that the guy who played the
father on The Wonder Years is sitting behind me. We talk for the last hour
and he is a really nice guy. He goes out of his way to show me how to get
to the rental car area.

This is where the trip turns....I get to the rental car area, because
everyone said...in LA you have to have a car....you cant do anything without
a car......ok so I'm at the rental car area and the lady behind the counter says ..."sir the mid size cars are
gone.....I'll upgrade you to a Mustang convertable".....I"m thinking SWEET!
Then from across the room...."I just gave away the last
convertable".....ok...here we go....."Sir, here is your Mitsubishi MiniVan!"
Thanks....I'll drive the soccer team to school in the morning!

They give me directions to the hotel....3 turns very simple.....I drive and
make the 3 turns....no hotel....she forgot there was a 4th turn.....thanks
bitch!

OK....check in......"sir sorry, we dont have a king size bed".....ok...I'll
live no Jen or the 2 dogs so I should have plenty of room.

Through the lobby, the hotel looks pretty nice, Spot the lobby bar...ok, now
that I know the important stuff off to the room.

Open the door, not bad drop off the bags, hook up the laptop ensure that I
have high speed access....so far so good...tv on, C-HOOPS, cool.....oh look
fridge...open door to fridge....Oh my god this smells worse than Schmeds'
toe cheese (from what Annie has said anyway)! There are 2 half eaten tuna
sandwhiches and they are just rotten...it is disgusting.

I call housekeeping they come up clean the fridge & I am scarred!

So, I spend some time in the room working. About 10:00pm I decide to head
down to the bar and see if other guys from work are there. Get in the
elevator push lobby. Elevator moves...elevator stops....lights go out....no
emergency lights...I can't see my hand in front of my face.

5 minutes later I find the button to call for help. The same women who
answered the phone about the sandwhiches answers and says "Can I Help
You"...I say, "Sure can you get me out of the elevator?' She says "What
elevator?"....."The Elevator I'm stuck in with no lights or power?"....."Sir
we are getting calls that there is a fire and we are looking into
it?"......"Hmmmm ok....can you get me out of the elevator before I burn to
death?"......"The fire department is on the way, they will get you out? Do
you know what floor you are on?"......."Between 5 and lobby?"......"Can you
be more specific?"......"Sure as soon as you get the lights turned on?"

ok so obviously they are stupid out here as well! 10 minutes later...I use
the light on my cell phone to find the call button again and I hear......"Guest
Services...Diane Speaking Can I help you?"......."Yeah, can you get me out
of the elevator?"......."Sir we are still investigating the
fire"......."Hmmmm ok.....I'll get back to you my cell phone is ringing"

so on the phone is my new boss who says "Hey Dan, we are at the lobby bar in
the hotel....there is some kind of fire or something.....how are you
doing?"......"Oh, I've been better"....."Really, whats wrong?"....."I'm
stuck in the elevator, waiting for the fire department to get me
out"......"Fire department, their not even here yet!"......."Great! THanks!"

After being in there 20 minutes i find the call button again and hear, "Guest Services,
Diane Speaking"....."Hi Diane how are you?"......"I'm good sir and
you?"........"Well Diane, I'm quite comfortable now...I have found the
perfect way to wedge my head under the rail in the elevator so that my spine
doesnt hurt too much"......."Oh no...your still in the elevator"....."Hey
they film game shows out here, you should go on one, maybe Jeopardy! I'll
get back to you, my cell is ringing"

new boss again, "Hey Dan Fire Department is here, but they are just walking
around. I told one of the guys you are in the elevator, but they said they
need to hear that from someone who works at the hotel."

ok...in the dark for 30 minutes, press the call button and hear...."Guest Services,
Diane Speaking"....."Diane, so nice to hear your voice, I heard the fire
department is here."......"oh, thats right, let me make sure someone tells
them you are in the elevator!"....."Diane, you're a peach, you need to be
promoted!"

ok....in the dark for 40 minutes, press the call button and hear...."Guest Services,
Diane Speaking"....."Hi Diane,"....."You cant still be in the
elevator"......."hmmmm why not?"...."Because there is a mechanical fire on
the 7th floor, you need to get out of there"......"Oh, now that I NEED to
get out of here, let me push the magic restart button!"....."I'll find out
whats going on!"......"Great idea, you find out for me!"

ok in the dark for 45 minutes and the lights come on in the
elevator.......from my seated position I reach up & push lobby......and away
we go. Reach lobby and elevator doors open, about 100 people gathered
around and a couple of them see me sitting on the floor....laughter
starts..."You've been in there"....then they start clapping....new boss "Dan
over hear, what are you drinking?"...."Diane from guest services blood if
possible"

ok...we hang our drink....head up to the room about 1am or so....set the
wake up call for 6:30...laydown and I have the worlds worst matress....I
mean miserable...my back is killing me as I type this.

So 5:00am up and checking mail...doing work......ok....look out the window a
bit later to see if the sun is coming up...I mean this is sunny
California....and nothing but fog.

ok down stairs I go to meet everyone & off to the lot.......ok...along the ride
we see the area & it sucks! Arrive at the lot..pretty impressive.....now
before I came out here I inquired about dress codes for all events....dockers
and button down shirts are what we need....ok...we walk in to the first
meeting and they say for dinner you need jackets & ties....nice!

So meet all day off to dinner....being computer geeks we print out
directions from Mapquest....the restaurant is 7.8 miles away. Dinner is at
8pm.....we say ok we can leave at 7:45....to which the guys from out here
laugh & say it takes an hour to get there.....an hour to go 7.8 miles...are
you fucking insane!?!

Sure enough 50 minutes.....we arrive at the "Magic Castle".....they provide
me with a jacket & tie......I couldnt get this jacket around my thigh!

Now you have to see this place to understand....$75 a head includes a 4
course meal and a magic show.....we get seated and they litterally throw
your food at you.....in less than 30 minutes we ate the 4 courses.....it was
terrible.....off to the show.....it was actually awesome so it is the one
thing I cant complain about.

It is at this time that it hits me....every woman & man are blond.
Every one....and they lock up most of the ugly women...it's like they are on
a schedule...only 20 ugly women per square mile per hour!

And everyone of them are sooooo fake it is just hysterical!

Ok...we drive around Hollywood & LA.....and I wouldnt get out of the car if
you paid me!

Back to the hotel at about 1am & the bar is closed...problem...we have a
problem!

Back to the room & the miserable mattress....oh look, my room is not cleaned!

Have I said that I hate LA yet!

So, I get about 40 minutes sleep and move on.

Day 2 of meetings and I am sitting next to, for the 2nd consecutive day mind
you, quite possibly the most annoying human on the planet.....I mean I would
rather sit next to Larry Finn for 2 days!

Off to dinner at a very nice restaurant that is about 4 miles (or 30
minutes) away. On the ocean that I have not seen yet.

Ok.....walk in to the restaurant that is in some hotel & there is an awards
thing going on.....we are walking in, and who is walking in with us...Edie
Falco. Cameras are flashing...I give the fans a wave and walk through.

Restaurant is awesome...more blonds everywhere....beer is $8 and bailys is
$12..pretty fun...

ok in the lobby waiting for valet.....and here comes Daniel Daye
Lewis....who is looking like he has aids by the way. So at this point there
are about 10 people out there looking for autograhs...and he is like
preparing himself to go out through the crowd...he is standing about 18
inches from me saying to security, I'll sign autographs, but keep them away.

He steps out...the cameras flash...the 10 people are reaching out with paper
& pens and he runs back in...."This is out of control...keep them back"

I laughed out loud & caught some dirty looks from his "People", but hey it
was funny...they then took him out a side door.

Then came Julie Ann Moore....looked very plane...signed the 10 peoples
autographs in about 30 seconds and that was that.

So, back to the hotel...a few drinks...back to the room....holy shit it is
clean...no tuna, no nothing

So, here I am, day 3 of meetings.......it's 82 degrees....and that is the
only good thing I can say about this place.

I have more fun in Salt Lake City!

I will say this...the Amstel has been cold...all 48 of them!

Walked around the Studio lot and it is pretty cool...saw some great scenery
and cars used in every movie you can think of.

So, I'll be on a plane tomorrow morning, as long as I dont get stuck in an
elevator!

Plus, if I see one more billboard for Kangaroo Jack (not a sony movie) I'm
going to shoot someone.

As a matter of fact Kangaroo Jack has been the running joke......and
tomorrow they are having Kangarooos in the city to promote the opening & I
know thats goingto screw up my trip home some how!

I know this has not been that funny, well other than the elevator, tuna,
matress & shit (literally).....but hey, I'm not happy being here so the next
one will be funny & I will abuse all of you!

By the way LA sucks!

Oh....very important.....upcoming dates

January 25th is the Youth Council Dance...Please make an effort to go & let
either me or Harry know right away.

February 1st is Annie's Bowl a Thon....a must attend event! Let her know!

March 22nd Fund Raiser for Mike Sheerin & his family.....details to follow!

As always, until next time, stay safe!

later,
dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya,
you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who
takes the shame!"