The Connor Chronicles Volume CXIX

Okay, explain this one to me. Last month I walked into Rite Aid, went straight to the pharmacy counter to pick up a prescription that my doctor had called in. Gave my last name, and date of birth. They handed me my drugs and that was it. I walked out.

The very next day I walk into the exact same Rite Aid to buy deodorant and as I grab it, alarms are sounding like my house arrest bracelet broke its barrier. Not that I’ve ever been under house arrest.

Seriously, drugs no questions asked. Deodorant and it’s SWARM SWARM SWARM!

Maybe that is why everyone on the 7 train smells like they have been swimming in feces…they fear buying deodorant because they think the alarms are bringing the authorities.

Scissors…no problem right there hanging on the wall….take those, nobody cares. Go for some Right Guard and it’s like you pulled the fire alarm.

I went for my first colonoscopy recently. Well my first one for medical purposes. Hey, don’t judge, it was college. In any event while being prepped this young nurse says “I have to ask you two questions. NY State requires it. They might seem weird, I’m sorry”. I say no problem and here is how that went.

Nurse: You live with just your wife, do you feel safe at home? Do you ever feel in danger?

Me: Well, the dog likes her more than me, and despite her being named crazy Gracie the cat dog…the dog not my wife….I don’t think she will ever attack me.

Nurse: Do you ever get really angry?

Me: I drive into Manhattan almost daily….does Road Rage count?

At this time, another nurse is trying to stick my vein in my right hand for the IV. She struggles with it, and here is how that conversation went.

Nurse: I blew the vein. Mr. Connor, I’m so sorry. I’m going to have to try again up in your arm, where you would normally donate blood.

Me: No problem, needles don’t bother me.

Nurse: Well, I’m going to have my colleague do the next one…I have a one poke policy.

Me: I just hope the guy doing the Colonoscopy procedure has a one poke policy.

Well, you will all be happy to know that I am now once again completely full of shit….oh and the test was perfectly clear.

This is the 119th Connor Chronicles, and it’s the first one being posted in it’s entirety on Anti-Social media. Because God forbid we ask people to click a link to a freaking site that doesn’t involve kittens or people falling down. I mean how fucking lazy have we become as a society? People are surprised that Obesity is at an all-time high? Really? When you won’t even type the word okay….hell, you won’t even type OK….it’s just k…..lower case….God forbid you shift to get upper case for that one letter you lazy shits!

Sorry…where was I….oh screw it. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my visits to Facebook, but it’s the least social part of my day. The previously mentioned daily Road Rage incidents are more social! I mean if you are going to suggest someone does something inappropriate with their mother it should at least be in person to be considered a social interaction.

Alright, I feel a bit better….so now back to our irregularly scheduled rant.

So we have scores of people dying daily from drug overdoses, a rampant Opioid epidemic…heroin readily available…and ready to kill. But hey, let’s not do more to tightly regulate access to drugs (see opening paragraph). Nah, instead let’s focus our attention and resources on what statues in NYC should come down.

There were at least 5 public meetings this week on this topic….FIVE! I get it, Columbus might not have been a good guy. I’m not saying he was Ghandi. But you know what…we live in the greatest country in the world. And it is 100% because of the way this country came about, not just the independence from Great Britain, but because of everything that came before, and everything that came after. Yeah, there is a ton of bad shit in our countries history, our fabric, but it’s all contributed to these United States of America. I might not be proud of every step in the journey, but I’m proud of where it brought us…well mostly, we have taken a few steps back recently. Hell, as an individual I’m not proud of every step in my own journey, but I’m proud of where it has brought me. Can anyone say anything different?

So, I think we should spend more time, money, and resources solving this Opioid epidemic, or the rampant homeless problem, or how about better treatment of our Veterans…..and less time, money, and resources on taking down statues. Can we please prioritize our problems that is all I ask?

Alright, that is enough ranting. Time to get to the list of things I am thankful for this year.

1. For the 35th straight year, topping the list is Bacon! I love Bacon! In related news, I’m thankful for the Body By Bacon T-shirt that Nora bought me!

2. I’m thankful I don’t follow President Trump on twitter. I mean who has the fucking time. The man is not crazy, he is not stupid. He is an egomaniac attention whore, and that is no way to lead. Not a good look on anyone, in particular a President of these (not so) United States.

3. I’m thankful….truly thankful….that I was taught to form my own opinions. The world in in such need of more of that.

4. I’m thankful for music…..it is truly universal.

5. I’m thankful that Mike Francesa is retiring (this was on my wish list from last year)!

1. I’m hoping someone gives Mayor Deblasio two pennies, each of the same year, from the same mint. Because then he will for the first time in his life have common sense.g

2. I’m hoping someone gives me deodorant…I’m too scared to buy it.

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"