The Connor Chronicles Volume CV

Alright we are about 20 minutes away from the Grammy’s.  Jen’s in bed sick, and I’m still not 100%.  Having a bailys coffee right now to warm me up.
Before the running diary starts I wanted to cover one or 2 things. 

First, Donna Joyce went to Texas to run a half marathon.  Do we not have places to run here in NYC?  Couldn’t we have strapped Schmeds and Harry back to back and have her run one and a half laps around them?

While there Donno’s dad ran a full marathon.  Which by my math is 3 laps around the Schmeds/Harry track…..which is pretty damn impressive.
Didn’t Donna fall down just standing still a couple of months ago?  Now she’s running half marathons?

In donovons last night I got pulled into a game of MKF (marry, kill, fuck) with the 2 of the Feerick sisters, Dina and Delia…………lets just say with some of the options they throw around you really want to name the game kill kill kill.

There were only 2 Feerick sisters out because we are implementing a new 2 Ferrick maximum rule from now on.  The rule will be modified to allow 3 Feerick sisters, but if you are going to have 3 then Tricia cant be one of them. 

All in favor?

Alright we will be back with the running diary in just a few minutes.

7:59 The first Amstel is poured and we are ready for the 51st Grammy awards.  We will be keeping some running totals….you’ll understand in a bit.

8:00 We open with U2, not sure its gonna get better than this tonight.  Our current score 1 beer, 1 performance and 0 awards given and 0 commercial breaks!

8:04 not a bad performance for U2……solid start to the festivities….Bono was as a touch off.

8:04 and we have our first crack user sighting of the night as Whitney Houston takes the stage to present best R&B record…..and she is already rolling baby.  Either she is having trouble thinking, or reading the cue cards.  Yo Whitney…..crack is wack my ho!

8:07 and the crack addict took a full 3 minutes to give out 1 award.  Its gonna be hard to top this.  By the way Jennifer Hudson won and she just thanked god………add that to the score card tally.  She should thank the inventor of Bra’s……her rack is ginormous.

8:09 The Rock somehow is kind of hosting……can anyone explain this to me?

8:11 Justin Timberlake takes the stage and is doing more talking…….who is writing their material….the jokes that he and The Rock are pushing couldn’t be sold to Whitney Houston if they were in a crack vile.

8:12  Al Green, Boys II Men (now known as Boy II Old Men), and Keith Urban (which one of these things don’t belong) take the stage with JT.  I swear I thought Al Green died 10 years ago.

8:16 Our first commercial break!

8:19 and we have an iPhone commercial…..if only I worked for a company that was an electronics innovator, who also owned a leading game system company, and a cell phone company….then maybe we can come up with a device to compete with the iPhone….oh wait…..need more beer!

8:21 after a 5 minute commercial break we are back with coldplay taking the stage!  60 minutes did a piece on them before the show and its hard not to like these guys.  I think Kanye West just stole 60 seconds of this performance…..call a cop.

8:27  Carrie Underwood takes the stage…….damsn she’s smoking hot……I’ll be back in a few!

8:32 I’m no longer wearing pants……I feel you need to know these things.

8:32 Brenda Lee is still alive too?  Damn that’s 2 of those already

8:33 Sugarland wins some country grammy……….she thanked paul mcartney and much to my sisters shagrin, that does not count as thanking god.

8:35 we have our 2nd commercial break.  I feel the need to tell you its obvious jen is not well (I mean marrying me was the first sign) as I sit here in my lukes she is in pajamas a sweatshirt and under a blanket.

8:40 we are back from another 5 minute break……Duffy and Al Green……is Duffy made out of plastic?  They are presenting song of the year……….i see a cold play win here.

8:42 Coldplay wins……….that was easy.  Ok, is it wrong to hope Duffy just drops right there.

8:44 Kid Rock takes the stage and he’s dressed like a Blues Brother for some reason…..his guitarist is dressed like father guido sarducci……is this a SNL skit?  He’s doing Amen which really is a kick ass fuck off song…..well done.  And into All Sumer Long.  Kid Rock tore it up…..impressive.

8:48 and we have our 3rd commercial break.

8:53 and we are back from another 5 minute break to see Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus take the stage.  Swift is super talented. ….miley not so much.

8:57 best collaboration going out now which I would think is probably going to plante and Krause and it shouldn’t.  it should go to sparks and brown….we shall see.

8:58 the winner is plantee Krause………..the grammys continue to be a joke.  Robert Plant thanks for getting dressed for the show…….a white T and a black leather jacket.

9:00  Jennifer Hudson takes the stage.  We had a glitch there.  Our primary DVR started freaking out….we are now working off of the backup DVR.  Hey, here at thedirtyjobs.com we spare no expense!

9:01 while Jennifer Hudson bores us to death lets get a quick scoring recap.  After just 1 hour we have 3 beers,  8 performances,  3 commercial breaks totaling 15 mintues,  4 awards given and in a stunning turn of events only 1 thanking of god!

9:03 we go to commercial break while Jennifer Hudson stands on the center of the stage crying.

9:04 we are back to our primary DVR……I know you were all worried about that.

9:06 just watched a Chili’s commercial where 5 people in a business meeting on a conference call and the person on the phone puts them on hold and they play musical chairs with the hold music…..funny stuff.  When you have redundand DVR’s you don’t see many commercials!

9:09 we are back….emily proctor (ainslee from west wing) and Jason Mraz (why isn’t he performing) introduce the Jonas Brothers (with Steview Wonder) and  little girls everywhere are wondering why they are peeing themselves.

9:12 a jonus brother just snuck up behind a blind guy and yelled in his ear………..and one of the brothers just missed his cue to come back into the song.  I really hate these guys.  That sucked…..why couldn’t my DVR crap out there.

9:14 Blink 182 stepping up to give away best rock ablum which we all know is going to coldplay although kings of leon should get it

9:15 the winner is coldplay…..great album, great band, but it was the safe choice.  Chris Martin walked back to his seat after the award while the others went backstage……classic.

9:17 a commercial break…..what an idea.

9:22 we are back with Craig Ferguson having some of the funniest material of the night!

9:222 Katy Perry takes the stage hopefully kissing a girl or two.  This bitch is wild.  She’s in a giant banana and dressed like fruit.   Oh yeah this is my favorite performance of the night!

9:27 Kanye West takes the stage (George bush hates black people) and Estelle joins him

9:29 best new artist will go to Adele upsetting the jonas brothers….thats my upset pick for the night

9:30 the winner is Adele…..im on fire baby!  Adele walks to the stage….she looks like she ate the Jonas brothers.  This girl can sing.  Sony artist.  Good for her!

9:31 we take a commercial break….they announced coming up a first ever hip hop summit……im going to the keg.

9:33 every commercial break has had a commercial for at least one drug…..which is funny because you can get more drugs backstage at the grammys.

9:36 we are back and Morgan (my great grand daddy wasn’t a) freeman is on stage to introduce Kenny Chesney…..what was up with morgans hand….he had one in his pocket and the other had a glove on….and not a michael Jackson glove. 

9:39 while Kenny Chesney puts us to sleep I was wondering has Morgan Freeman always looked like he was 80?  He’s 71 now.  Shawshank came out 15 years ago…..he’s always looked like this!

9:40 time for record of the year.  I see MIA upsetting coldplay here.

9:41 and I’m wrong…big time……….plant and Krause again.  Maybe he will let her speak this time.  Nope.

9:43 commercial break #7 baby!  And we have the whale formally known as Wynona Judd…..geeze!

9:48 back with Queen Latifah…honoring Dean Martin……..sorry Sammy I didn’t see you tinkling over there.

9:48 MIA takes the stage….today is her due date…….she is huge…..its the hip hop summit.  Not exactly sure what I just saw.

9:55 Paul McCarntney (please no Freedom……please god) and Dave Grohl take the stage!  Grohl is back behind the drums which I havent seen since the days of nirvana………as intense as ever!

9:59 hey, a commercial break.

10:04 lets check the score as we come back.  5 beers, 8 commercials totaling 41 minutes. 7 awards, a whopping 15 performances and a shocking 1 thanking of god!

10:04 Jack Black is wearing a hat from Kennys bachelor party and he’s there to give out the award for best male pop vocal which should go to Jason Mraz but will go to McCartney!  CBS having production issues….what a shock.

10:06 the grammy goes to John Mayer….wow…….since I said im on fire ive gone 0 for 2.  Mayer is very deserving…cant complain here…another sony artist!

10:07 We have Sugarland and Adele together…this should be interesting….2 great voices….one hot chick, one fat chick and one guy also wearing a hat from the bachelor party……..we set the trends baby!  The fat chick really can sing though man.

10:13 we take another commercial break.

10:19 we are back and Gweneth Paltrow looks pretty sweet………and Radio Head takes the stage with the USC marching band because when I think Radio Head I think Marching Bands.  All night vocals have been hard to hear……has CBS EVER produced anything right?

10:23 we take another commercial break…..amazing…simply amazing.

10:28 we are back with Samual L (bad mother fucker) Jackson introducing TI and Justin Timberlake.  Why is TI wearing a condom on his head? 

10:34 and we have the president of the academy giving his speech and its our first mention of President Obama.

10:37 But Dad ITS SMOKEY!  His face has been lifted more than a pint glass at donovans!

10:38 Neyo and Jamie Foxx paying tribute to the 4 tops……and of course Smokey!    They actually sound awesome….great stuff…..that was fun.  Sir Paul loved it!

10:42 Hey lets take a commercial break!

10:47 Neil Diamond takes the stage and yes its sweet caroline…………….and neil is not singing…he’s talking.  Seriously…..is looking for the grammy for best spoken word album?  Wait here come the backup singers to save his ass.  Sir Paul big time into this one too…….Sir Paul needs to get out more.

10:51 the dead real is rolling……George carlin started.  Cat woman.  The dead real is always fun.  …its shaft.  Bo don’t know diddley.  …good dead real…no back to another live performance tribute to bo didley

10:56 and yes its time for a commercial break!

11:02 and we are back with Gary Sinese talking about New Orleans and introducing Lil Wayne, robin thick and Alan tousant.  What is lil wayne wearing on his feet?  Is he landing on the moon later?

11:09 Will I Am and T Pain dressed like they are from the 60’s Batman series…the ridler, the bookworm, the joker….a combination of both.  And we have another shout out to obama.  They are giving the best rap album grammy.  I see TI getting this

11:10 the winner is Lil Wayne………of course he just peformed……the beer must be getting to me!  We have a thank God….and a posse and a half!

11:11 lets go to commercial….and to the keg!

11:17 the list of awards given earlier…..blah blah blah.

11:18 Plant & Kraus get to perform now……….they already stole a couple of grammys might as well steal some screen time.

11:22 Greenday (who is working on a new album) presenting the final grammy, album of the year….has to be coldplay….if its plant Krause its yet another fraud by the grammys

11:24 the winner is unbelievable….plant and Krause…..what a joke.  How do they get away with this year after year.   And Krause gets to speak finally…wow.  This is as bad as Tull getting the first ever heavy metal grammy.  Booooooooooo!

11:27 Stevie Wonder is our closing act………….hey Stevie turn out the lights…..oh wait in your world they are already out!

So in what will be a 3 hour and 30 minute show we had about 10 beers (disappointing showing), and 22 performances, 10 awards given out with an amazingly low only 2 thanks to god!  We also had 13 commercials for a total of 69 minutes!

11:30 the crowd files out…..stevie has no idea he is playing to an empty room…..someone help the man!

Well, that concludes another running diary during which Jen ran to the bathroom a few times.  Best performance in reality was probably the 4 tops tribute or Kid Rock…..but in my mind it will be Katy Perry baby!

As always, until next time, stay safe, later,
Dan

"My karma tells me, You've been screwed again! If you let them do it to ya, you've got yourself to blame! It's you who feels the pain! It's you who takes the shame!"